Over that last little while, Each time I have been thinking of Gabi, I have come to two new realizations. Very few people that have come into my life since leaving Beit Shemesh know about Gabi. Gabi would be 11 years old.
As we move through different stages through our lives, people come to be part of that journey. As we have moved on to other stages, some people exit stage left and are not there to continue the journey. Some play a bigger role in some sections and smaller roles in others. Some people we care about, no matter how disconnected we may have become, while others relationships we simply move on.
Gabi never had a chance to be part of my life journey after she was born. Her memory carries on in my heart and I still have the same love for her as I have for all of her siblings. We moved away from Beit Shemesh for a new start. I wanted to go back to being known for me as opposed to being known for what I have been through. It took me years of hard work to have a semblance of having some idea of who I am and who I want to be. Gabi did have a significant role to play in that journey of discovery. However her role was as my baby girl, not the little girl she could have become.
It was a shock to think of her as an eleven year old because I don't think of her that way. There are so many questions that I never had the chance to learn the answer to. What would her personality be like? What would her likes and dislikes be? What would she be interested in? What would she look like? What challenges would she face? How would she overcome them. Any answers I could pretend to have to those questions would be pure fantasy. I simply cannot imagine her as an 11 year old. I can only picture her warm body in my arms, imagining what her life would of, could of been like.
I remember having a conversation with a friend about how their family would mark their grandmother's yahrziet with a 'Bubbie Shabbos'. The entire family would get together and mark the occasion with food that they associated with her, either through her cooking or food they enjoyed. Over time 'Bubbie Shabbos' started to include food 'Bubbie would have liked' if she had still been alive. It has been many years, since this conversation and I have no idea what is done today.
Part of Gabi's loss is I don't even have a base to consider what she 'would have been like.' Occasionally with Channah, Shlomo and especially Hoodie when I have an interaction with them, I wonder to myself if Gabi would have been similar or completely different.
As I mark Gabi's Yahrtziet, I am left wondering what would it be like to have an 11 year old. I am left thinking of the words I posted on the day she was born/died.
'For most of us it takes a life time, our Gabi was able to fulfill her purpose in life before she was born. She has been a source of love and inspiration. She taught us that even the impossible can come true, for both good and bad.'
She has taught me many life lessons. That includes a lesson that fortunately most people don't have to learn. I know that it is possible to love somebody, simply for the fact that she is my daughter. How much more so should we seek to show our love with those we have or want to have an active relationship with.
