I feel dead inside and I know right now that the only thing that can make my brain whole again is a baby in my arms. I had so focused my life on having a little one again I now have no idea what to do with myself. My body is healed but my brain is so broken. It is shattered into hundreds of millions of people each with a tiny picture of me with a baby on it. I have no idea how to put the puzzle back together without a real copy of the picture to look at. It is like trying to do a puzzle without knowing what it is supposed to look like.
I have dealt with depression before and now I have to wonder if I was faking it for attention. The pain of the grief in my heart is so sharp now that I keep needing to double check there is no real physical knife in my chest. The tears come for no reason at all- and for every reason under the sun. A beautiful day will send me into hysterics because Gabi will never see it. A hug from Channah will have me longing for another small set of arms around my neck.
Why did this happen to me? Oh lord I have always tried to be good and kind. To help those who needed it and to mind the feelings and sensitivities of those who might be in pain of their own. How could you in your majesty tease and bully me by playing "keep away" with the one thing I want so badly when I was so, so close to getting it.
Is it wrong to hate god? No that is the wrong the question., I don't think I can hate something I am not sure I believe in anymore. In those 5 minutes of silence in the ultrasound room my belief in that covenant was torn away from under my feet leaving me on the shakiest ground I could imagine. All my life I have been taught to turn to God in my times of trouble- now here he is the cause of it- to whom do I turn now?
My siddur and my Tehillim sit closed on the shelf, as do most of the books we have been given. At night I wake with nightmares and find myself sitting on the edge of the bed in Channah's room just watching her tiny body rise and fall- terrified that God will take something else I love from me. I want to hold her tightly and scream at God that "HE CAN'T HAVE HER! SHE'S MINE", but I know in my heart that God can do whatever he wants and better not to call attention to how much I love her.
My life feels empty save for for her tiny speck of light, and I so fear that light being extinguished I can barely breath.
God please, I hate you and I love you. You have given me so much and taken away so much. Please send me a healthy, full term pregnancy as quickly as possible to mend my heart and my brain from the extreme pain you have put them in. Please return me to a whole and sane state where I can be the parent and wife I want to be, and the woman I need to be.
Please God, I have no one to turn to but you. Avinu malkenu, my father my king. You can grant any wish my heart desires. Please see me as a daughter begging at your feet for true happiness only you can provide. Please allow me to say with a full and happy heart "who brought me happily and joyously to this day" as I had planned to do less than a week from now.