Every mile stone on the calendar is an emotional struggle. I was bracing myself for a very difficult Shavuot. The pasuk on Rachel's headstone is from Megilat Rut. Shavuot has many great memories for me both for my personal growth but time with Rachel. I started doing the all night learning before I became Shomer Shabbat and I have been doing it most years with few exceptions. There were times where times as a teenager the learning was diverted to spend time with Rachel. Last year, I kept running back and forth from shul to home to check on Rachel to make sure she was OK.
I know many people do not stay up all night for various reasons, which is fine with me. This is the first year that I can recall people being actively critical of the minhag. As usual, I surrounded myself with good people for the meals. I didn't have the heart to try to make sleeping arrangements, so I could go learn. 10 minutes before the Rabbi's shiur started my hostess for dinner offered to take Channah for the night. I was thrilled to be able to learn.
The shul was a lot more full than in previous years. I went to my usual learning marathon with the Rabbi. He covers 6 topics (one from each seder of Mishnah/Gemara). As always there is not enough time to cover all of them so as the night goes on there is less time to cover the later topics. This year's topics were: Minhag of Tearing Kriya, Minhag of Staying up all night and learning, When does a Kallah cover her hair, lifnei iver, glatt kosher, and another one that is escaping my memory. Basically the first 3 were in depth and the last 3 were done in 45 minutes. Of course the 15 minute each allocation didn't work leaving 5 minutes for the Glatt topic.
Tearing Kriya- It was interesting going over the source for breaking a glass under Chuppah as well as the people who tried to overdo mourning the Mikdash. The halacha seems clear that if you do not go to the Kotel for 30 days you tear Kriyah. However, there is a minhag that Jerusalemites don't. The main source cited for the minhag is from the ridbaz who condemns the minhag. Rav Shlomo Zalman Aurbach has some very interesting comments, including justifying the minhag by saying those who live in Jerusalem and don't go to the Kotel every 30 days, don't deserve to tear Kriyah because they don't feel the mourning. Considering how often I go to the cemetery to visit Rachel it was interesting to think about how we should be internalizing the pain of the loss of the Mikdash.
Staying Up All Night -- Staying up and learning really is problematic because of the effect it has on the next day. I have friends who did back to back all nighters so they could watch the Leaf's blow Game 7 against Boston. The Rabbi was relying on the minhag (which is not well sourced), accepting the Rambam half day learning can take place in the afternoon instead of the morning. He personally goes home before Kriyat HaTorah so he can get some sleep so that he can have Kavanah for the rest of devaning.
Kallah covering her hair after Chuppah -- A married woman covers her hair. There are very opinions on to how early the 'married' status kicks in. Rav Ovadiah pulls in 4 factors that allows her to wait until she goes home, most importantly the lack of Yichud room at Sephardi weddings. The Rabbi was still struggling to figure out how to justify the common practise of waiting until the next morning. Through the shiur he mad some interesting distinctions between minimum halachic standards and what one should do depending on an individual circumstances.
I can't remember that last time I had that much energy during learning and davening Shavuot night.. Between eating, sleeping and learning, I didn't have an opportunity to stop and think. Nor even during Yizkor as they were even calling people back in before I finished struggling my way through what I needed to say.
The end result was I made it through Shavuot OK. Today I had a much harder day.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A Day of Solitude
I knew today was going to be tough. I planned my day out to basically be by myself with no expectations. Channah had even decided to go to a friend's house straight from school, so I didn't even see her until dinner time. When I first woke up my reaction was that it felt just like an ordinary day. Then I stopped for a moment and realized my heart was feeling numb, as my head wondered to the first of many memories that filled up my day.
May 7th, 1998. It was Rachel's last birthday before our wedding. As the night went on I started running a fever that kept going up and up. Eventually, I ended up in the ER, where they kept me in a cold room for a number of hours until my temperature started to go down and they sent me home. For 2 nights Rachel slept in a chair in my room, so she could look after me. For my parents it was the changing of the guard as Rachel would be the primary person for watching out for my well being for the rest of her life. Over the years birthdays (along with other special occasions) were always hit and miss for me. Sometimes, I would find the perfect gift and find the perfect way to celebrate. More often than not I would fail miserably. How I wish I could have one more birthday.
I went to the cemetery this morning. When people come visit, there is often a point about how much construction and building is going on. The same thing happens every time I go to the cemetery. The new section is pretty big and it looks like they have dug up a few hundred plots. At least there has been some progress on the spelling mistake. The "I" has been chiselled into a "Y". They did a pretty good job doing it. All they need to do is fill in the black and I can pay the balance I have been withholding.
For so long since Gabi couldn't be with Rachel, Rachel wanted to be with Gabi or at the very least have someone else to help fill the hole in her heart. It just gives me something to think about as I battle through the emunah and bitachon questions, looking for some type of consolation. I told Rachel that at some point down the road there would be some perspective and her loss would make sense. I was clearly wrong on that one. I spoke to her for a little while. It was kind of eerie being just me and the construction workers. It was also the first time I cried that my eye didn't hurt. My doctor was impressed by how well it is healing. Although it did hurt when I started crying later in the day.
I watched two movies today. Anastasia was always our movie. I would have proposed the night we saw it, if Rachel hadn't decided last minute to invite a friend along who was feeling lonely. I watched Les Miserables, which Rachel had really been looking forward to seeing. There were a couple of phone calls. The rest of the day was nothing special. Just time to for reflection and getting lost in my thoughts.
Channah hasn't really been expressing her feelings towards Rachel's loss. She did ask her teacher to stop Halacha Yomit class today. Apparently they were learning Avelut. Her request was denied but apparently she wasn't paying attention in class. Not sure if that was with or without the teachers approval.
I knew today would be hard and I think I found the right way to deal with it. As the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight and another day, I am starting to feel like I am ready to face the world once again.
May 7th, 1998. It was Rachel's last birthday before our wedding. As the night went on I started running a fever that kept going up and up. Eventually, I ended up in the ER, where they kept me in a cold room for a number of hours until my temperature started to go down and they sent me home. For 2 nights Rachel slept in a chair in my room, so she could look after me. For my parents it was the changing of the guard as Rachel would be the primary person for watching out for my well being for the rest of her life. Over the years birthdays (along with other special occasions) were always hit and miss for me. Sometimes, I would find the perfect gift and find the perfect way to celebrate. More often than not I would fail miserably. How I wish I could have one more birthday.
I went to the cemetery this morning. When people come visit, there is often a point about how much construction and building is going on. The same thing happens every time I go to the cemetery. The new section is pretty big and it looks like they have dug up a few hundred plots. At least there has been some progress on the spelling mistake. The "I" has been chiselled into a "Y". They did a pretty good job doing it. All they need to do is fill in the black and I can pay the balance I have been withholding.
For so long since Gabi couldn't be with Rachel, Rachel wanted to be with Gabi or at the very least have someone else to help fill the hole in her heart. It just gives me something to think about as I battle through the emunah and bitachon questions, looking for some type of consolation. I told Rachel that at some point down the road there would be some perspective and her loss would make sense. I was clearly wrong on that one. I spoke to her for a little while. It was kind of eerie being just me and the construction workers. It was also the first time I cried that my eye didn't hurt. My doctor was impressed by how well it is healing. Although it did hurt when I started crying later in the day.
I watched two movies today. Anastasia was always our movie. I would have proposed the night we saw it, if Rachel hadn't decided last minute to invite a friend along who was feeling lonely. I watched Les Miserables, which Rachel had really been looking forward to seeing. There were a couple of phone calls. The rest of the day was nothing special. Just time to for reflection and getting lost in my thoughts.
Channah hasn't really been expressing her feelings towards Rachel's loss. She did ask her teacher to stop Halacha Yomit class today. Apparently they were learning Avelut. Her request was denied but apparently she wasn't paying attention in class. Not sure if that was with or without the teachers approval.
I knew today would be hard and I think I found the right way to deal with it. As the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight and another day, I am starting to feel like I am ready to face the world once again.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Hockey Night in Holon
The final piece in convincing me to make Aliayah was that I would be able keep playing hockey. At the time we left I was playing at least three times every two weeks. I fell for information about an arena that was supposed to be completed shortly after we arrived near Petach Tikva. When I inquired about it after we landed, the same organization that had information about the arena basically told me it was a figment of my imagination. Our original plans to move to Haifa was greatly motivated by the desire to be near the only hockey rink in Metulah.
With a 3 hour drive to Metulah I ended up not playing as often as I liked. I did not play any hockey from the Tournament (in February) last year until the Thursday before Rachel passed away.
To compensate I have been playing softball for the local team. The league is more competitive than what I am used to in the Shul league in Toronto. There are only 9 batters and 9 fielders in a game and using the bench means making line up substitutions. In my first two seasons we would generally field 9 guys, so playing time was never an issue. This year has been different. We have had at least 10 - 12 players for any given game. They like when I play catcher because the ball doesn't end up at the backstop. I don't really have an arm to throw runners out. If there is no other catcher they like me to play defence. There isn't even room to have me play my preferred position at 2nd base. I was only getting token at bats for showing up, which doesn't allow me to improve as the season moves along. I decided to skip this weeks game even though I had babysitting in place because I was tired of feeling inconsequential to the team I am paying money to be on.
I was really excited for the new hockey rink. Today was the first chance to play. I made sure that I was slotted in between the pipes for the first game. I need to put together a babysitting/sleepover schedule as they will use that to help set the goalie rotation. It is all real exciting.
The rink is basically a skating rink that they have adapted with a scoreboard, benches and glass in order to allow hockey to be played. While they have a couple of party rooms with big open windows they don't have any change rooms. The benches on the bottom left is where we got changed. The rink is small, so we had to play 4 on 4 hockey. It meant we had a really fast paced game with the major drawback being if you were not careful a missed centring pass could end up in your own net.
I was dressed ready to go as the Zamboni was busy clearing the ice. I was literally bouncing up and down with excitement. The quality of the ice was good. It took me some time to really get warmed up, which is much faster than I expected given I haven't skated in 3 months. I made a ton of really quality saves including a sliding toe save to what the shooter had thought was an empty net. There were rushes where I made 5, 6, 7 or more saves in a row before freezing the puck or having it cleared. Of course I always love when a player swears because you just messed him up and then congratulates me for making the play. After almost 100 minutes on the ice I was still pumped and having a great time.
Hockey is fun and a great stress release for me. Rachel knew that and was very supportive as long as I didn't take it to extremes. I am so happy that I can bring hockey back into my life on a regular basis. I hope I will be able to make it to the hockey tournament in Metulah next year.
With a 3 hour drive to Metulah I ended up not playing as often as I liked. I did not play any hockey from the Tournament (in February) last year until the Thursday before Rachel passed away.
To compensate I have been playing softball for the local team. The league is more competitive than what I am used to in the Shul league in Toronto. There are only 9 batters and 9 fielders in a game and using the bench means making line up substitutions. In my first two seasons we would generally field 9 guys, so playing time was never an issue. This year has been different. We have had at least 10 - 12 players for any given game. They like when I play catcher because the ball doesn't end up at the backstop. I don't really have an arm to throw runners out. If there is no other catcher they like me to play defence. There isn't even room to have me play my preferred position at 2nd base. I was only getting token at bats for showing up, which doesn't allow me to improve as the season moves along. I decided to skip this weeks game even though I had babysitting in place because I was tired of feeling inconsequential to the team I am paying money to be on.
I was really excited for the new hockey rink. Today was the first chance to play. I made sure that I was slotted in between the pipes for the first game. I need to put together a babysitting/sleepover schedule as they will use that to help set the goalie rotation. It is all real exciting.
The rink is basically a skating rink that they have adapted with a scoreboard, benches and glass in order to allow hockey to be played. While they have a couple of party rooms with big open windows they don't have any change rooms. The benches on the bottom left is where we got changed. The rink is small, so we had to play 4 on 4 hockey. It meant we had a really fast paced game with the major drawback being if you were not careful a missed centring pass could end up in your own net.
I was dressed ready to go as the Zamboni was busy clearing the ice. I was literally bouncing up and down with excitement. The quality of the ice was good. It took me some time to really get warmed up, which is much faster than I expected given I haven't skated in 3 months. I made a ton of really quality saves including a sliding toe save to what the shooter had thought was an empty net. There were rushes where I made 5, 6, 7 or more saves in a row before freezing the puck or having it cleared. Of course I always love when a player swears because you just messed him up and then congratulates me for making the play. After almost 100 minutes on the ice I was still pumped and having a great time.
Hockey is fun and a great stress release for me. Rachel knew that and was very supportive as long as I didn't take it to extremes. I am so happy that I can bring hockey back into my life on a regular basis. I hope I will be able to make it to the hockey tournament in Metulah next year.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Yizkor for the First Time
Simchat Torah is supposed to be a time of pure joy. We have gone through the Tshuva process of Elul followed by Rosh HaShannah & Yom Kippor. We then have the joyous days of Sukkot. Hashem turns to the Jewish people and says I want just one more day to be with my people. Aliyah gave extra significance to the meaning of 'just one more day' as family and friends would visit for short periods of time.
Simchat Torah is not a time of joy for everyone. We stop so those missing loved ones can say Yizkor. The pain of infertility hits hard with a child centric holiday. When Channah was born I thought I would never feel that pain again. I had Channah (my 'Sefer Torah') to dance with. The last two years I had 'Kol HaNearim' and good friends to help cover the pain of Gabi's loss. Last time my 'Sefer Torah' was too old to come dance with me. We prayed there would be another to take that roll.
For the last 3 months I have been haunted by another memory from Simchat Torah. Rachel had begun saying Yizkor when her father died (Our Rabbi holds you should say Yizkor in the first year). Channah was always by her side to give her the strength she needed to get through it. While our Rabbi gave us a lot of leeway in terms of mourning for Gabi, Yizkor and Kaddish were not permitted. Rachel walked out of shul furious at me. She could say Yizkor for Gabi. My Mom says Yizkor and lights a candle for Gabi. How could I not say Yizkor for my own daughter. I promised I would ask the Rabbi before it was time to say Yizkor again.
I spent Yom Tov with some really close friends. It gave me someone to say Yizkor with. It also gave me a sound board for my hopes, fears and to do list over the coming weeks, months and year. After everyone went to bed I sat in front of the candles and cried.
As expected Yizkor was emotional and anti-climactic at the same time. They don't do the long introduction here so it is fairly short. I did have a panic moment, as I had Hagbah today. When Yizkor was announced there was confusion as someone got up to say something that is supposed to be said at the end.
Channah had a really good day with a lot of moments that I was very happy about. As life returns to 'normal' I feel the weight of the world returning to my shoulders. I am scared of the challenges I need to face. I am excited that I will be able to play hockey close to home. I am hopeful for the future. I take comfort knowing that the people I trust have told me I am not crazy. I believe I have the strength to get through the next stages of picking up the pieces and rebuilding a life for Channah and myself.
Simchat Torah is not a time of joy for everyone. We stop so those missing loved ones can say Yizkor. The pain of infertility hits hard with a child centric holiday. When Channah was born I thought I would never feel that pain again. I had Channah (my 'Sefer Torah') to dance with. The last two years I had 'Kol HaNearim' and good friends to help cover the pain of Gabi's loss. Last time my 'Sefer Torah' was too old to come dance with me. We prayed there would be another to take that roll.
For the last 3 months I have been haunted by another memory from Simchat Torah. Rachel had begun saying Yizkor when her father died (Our Rabbi holds you should say Yizkor in the first year). Channah was always by her side to give her the strength she needed to get through it. While our Rabbi gave us a lot of leeway in terms of mourning for Gabi, Yizkor and Kaddish were not permitted. Rachel walked out of shul furious at me. She could say Yizkor for Gabi. My Mom says Yizkor and lights a candle for Gabi. How could I not say Yizkor for my own daughter. I promised I would ask the Rabbi before it was time to say Yizkor again.
 |
| The one on the left is for Gabi. The one on the right is for Rachel. |
As expected Yizkor was emotional and anti-climactic at the same time. They don't do the long introduction here so it is fairly short. I did have a panic moment, as I had Hagbah today. When Yizkor was announced there was confusion as someone got up to say something that is supposed to be said at the end.
Channah had a really good day with a lot of moments that I was very happy about. As life returns to 'normal' I feel the weight of the world returning to my shoulders. I am scared of the challenges I need to face. I am excited that I will be able to play hockey close to home. I am hopeful for the future. I take comfort knowing that the people I trust have told me I am not crazy. I believe I have the strength to get through the next stages of picking up the pieces and rebuilding a life for Channah and myself.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Pesach, Matzah, Maror
I knew the week leading into Pesach was going to be the most difficult of the year. The entire country shuts down in order to prepare. Channah was home from school. My friends were focused on their own homes with their own families, they didn't have as much time as usual for me. Between work, softball and a trip to Monkey Park with Channah's best friend and her best friend's sister in many ways, I managed to hold things together better than I expected.
Pesach took a lot more work than I was able to put in. Somehow I managed to make it to the point where I was able to say good enough, even though it was well short of the low bar I set for myself this year. The hardest part was when I found this during Bedikah Chamezt:
Rachel had bought it for me many years ago for when I was having a hard time at work. Of course that brought back memories of the smile card that lives in my wallet. It was not so long ago, Rachel found out I still had it. She thought it had been lost a long time ago.
Thinking about these two items took everything out of me. I sat down and started to cry. Channah hates when I cry and always tries to get me to stop. I try not to cry too much because it really hurts because of the problem with my eye. She managed to calm me down with a hug. I was ready to call it a night unable to face kashering and the kitchen. A friend told me to take deep breaths and get back to cleaning which would keep me busy. I decided to get the Pesach boxes out of storage. As I was moving the boxes, I was having trouble breathing. It was not from the lifting but the emotional sting of missing Rachel. Which of course made me think of this song:
Somehow I managed to make it through. I made sure I got to the shul because I am a bachor. I accidentally attended a Bris. The Rabbi wanted to talk to me and I knew if I had left it for later in the day it probably would not happen.
We spent the Seder with cousins who we went to for our first 2 years in Israel before, they moved outside of walking distance. I thought it was a brilliant choice when Channah came up with the idea. It was very comforting being in a familiar environment with family. There were two defining moments that really struck a chord of encouragement that I hope will stay with me in terms of what I am facing in the coming weeks, months and hopefully longer.
As intro to the Seder the host talked about the importance of reliving the story of Pesach every year. It is a way of establishing that we are the Jewish People. He drew the parallel to the Holocaust and the importance of remembering and retelling the story, so it doesn't lose it's meaning.
It made me think about my Grandmother who had everything taken from her including her husband and 3 year old son. My Grandfather liberated her from the camps, helped her back to health and were married in 3 weeks. My Mom was born in a DP camp and his good friend (who died shortly before Rachel) gave his milk rations to my Mom so that she could be healthy. They rebuilt their lives but she always kept a picture of her son on the wall.
The Seder isn't complete until we discuss the Symbolism of Pesach, Matzah and Maror. Pesach is to remember the korban that we are no longer able to bring because of the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. Every year we remember that destruction through the stages of mourning the same way we remember a loved one. When I go to the Kotel I tear kriyah to remember the destruction. Food is an integral part of Jewish identity. Matzah represents both poverty and freedom while Maror represents the bitterness of the suffering we endured. We bring these foods together right after declaring Dayenu followed by Hallel. The Hallel combined with the 2nd cup of wine was described as a toast to Hashem. We offer a toast of thanks and immediately remember how hard it was to reach this point.
The concept of 'moving on' has been a frequent topic as of late. Am I going to fast? Am I going too slow? Am I doing it right? I always thought that 'moving on' meant putting the tragedies of the last two years behind me. I now realize that is not the case. Moving on means rebuilding again but taking those tragedies with me into whatever new direction my life will take. I have the opportunity to build on the dreams of my ancestors to raise a Jewish family in the land that was promised to our forefathers so many generations ago. Rachel and Gabi will always play an upfront roll in that process, even if they are not physically here to do it with me. This idea has brought confidence and comfort towards some of the challenges I am about to face.
The 2nd moment came form the hostess. There have those who have been concerned and in some cases critical in my ability to be a parent. The entire night there were two moments where Channah's handling of herself would not have met their approval. One of those moments our hostess turned to be me and said "Don't worry my kids do the exact same thing." There was nothing particularly insightful in the statement. I have been around a lot of different families in the last few months to see different types of kids and parenting styles. My response was that the behaviour did not bother me. The truth is the validation did mean a lot to me, even if it is not the first time I have heard it. The confident I am in my parenting the better prepared I am to make decisions of what is in Channah's best interest even if those decisions are not popular.
Pesach is about remembering the passed to bring hope for the future. At least that is the lesson I am walking away with this year.
Pesach took a lot more work than I was able to put in. Somehow I managed to make it to the point where I was able to say good enough, even though it was well short of the low bar I set for myself this year. The hardest part was when I found this during Bedikah Chamezt:
Rachel had bought it for me many years ago for when I was having a hard time at work. Of course that brought back memories of the smile card that lives in my wallet. It was not so long ago, Rachel found out I still had it. She thought it had been lost a long time ago.
Thinking about these two items took everything out of me. I sat down and started to cry. Channah hates when I cry and always tries to get me to stop. I try not to cry too much because it really hurts because of the problem with my eye. She managed to calm me down with a hug. I was ready to call it a night unable to face kashering and the kitchen. A friend told me to take deep breaths and get back to cleaning which would keep me busy. I decided to get the Pesach boxes out of storage. As I was moving the boxes, I was having trouble breathing. It was not from the lifting but the emotional sting of missing Rachel. Which of course made me think of this song:
Somehow I managed to make it through. I made sure I got to the shul because I am a bachor. I accidentally attended a Bris. The Rabbi wanted to talk to me and I knew if I had left it for later in the day it probably would not happen.
We spent the Seder with cousins who we went to for our first 2 years in Israel before, they moved outside of walking distance. I thought it was a brilliant choice when Channah came up with the idea. It was very comforting being in a familiar environment with family. There were two defining moments that really struck a chord of encouragement that I hope will stay with me in terms of what I am facing in the coming weeks, months and hopefully longer.
As intro to the Seder the host talked about the importance of reliving the story of Pesach every year. It is a way of establishing that we are the Jewish People. He drew the parallel to the Holocaust and the importance of remembering and retelling the story, so it doesn't lose it's meaning.
It made me think about my Grandmother who had everything taken from her including her husband and 3 year old son. My Grandfather liberated her from the camps, helped her back to health and were married in 3 weeks. My Mom was born in a DP camp and his good friend (who died shortly before Rachel) gave his milk rations to my Mom so that she could be healthy. They rebuilt their lives but she always kept a picture of her son on the wall.
The Seder isn't complete until we discuss the Symbolism of Pesach, Matzah and Maror. Pesach is to remember the korban that we are no longer able to bring because of the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. Every year we remember that destruction through the stages of mourning the same way we remember a loved one. When I go to the Kotel I tear kriyah to remember the destruction. Food is an integral part of Jewish identity. Matzah represents both poverty and freedom while Maror represents the bitterness of the suffering we endured. We bring these foods together right after declaring Dayenu followed by Hallel. The Hallel combined with the 2nd cup of wine was described as a toast to Hashem. We offer a toast of thanks and immediately remember how hard it was to reach this point.
The concept of 'moving on' has been a frequent topic as of late. Am I going to fast? Am I going too slow? Am I doing it right? I always thought that 'moving on' meant putting the tragedies of the last two years behind me. I now realize that is not the case. Moving on means rebuilding again but taking those tragedies with me into whatever new direction my life will take. I have the opportunity to build on the dreams of my ancestors to raise a Jewish family in the land that was promised to our forefathers so many generations ago. Rachel and Gabi will always play an upfront roll in that process, even if they are not physically here to do it with me. This idea has brought confidence and comfort towards some of the challenges I am about to face.
The 2nd moment came form the hostess. There have those who have been concerned and in some cases critical in my ability to be a parent. The entire night there were two moments where Channah's handling of herself would not have met their approval. One of those moments our hostess turned to be me and said "Don't worry my kids do the exact same thing." There was nothing particularly insightful in the statement. I have been around a lot of different families in the last few months to see different types of kids and parenting styles. My response was that the behaviour did not bother me. The truth is the validation did mean a lot to me, even if it is not the first time I have heard it. The confident I am in my parenting the better prepared I am to make decisions of what is in Channah's best interest even if those decisions are not popular.
Pesach is about remembering the passed to bring hope for the future. At least that is the lesson I am walking away with this year.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Please Don't Stop the Music
I have been trying to sit down and write this post for almost 2 months. With Journey's IV playing in the background and the alternative to go back to Pesach preparations perhaps I am now ready. Journey's IV was one of the main CDs playing in my car on the many trips to the hospital when Rachel was in the hospital before Channah was born and the weeks Channah was in the NICU after she was born.
Music played a huge role in Rachel's life. Whether it was playing or teaching the piano or listening to her eclectic range of music it was something that she always needed around her. Music reflected her life. It was part of her.
The last month of her life shared the same roller coaster/yo yo qualities of her life since losing Gabi. It started with the harshest migrane she had to deal with. The extra medication to break it fuelled a horrible depression that resulted with the police showing up at my door at 3am. Over Channukah she surrounded herself with the right people and activities that helped pull her out of the depression. Taking stock of what happened Rachel and I had a conversation that lasted all night. Every issue that we had in our lives together was discussed and put to rest. Rachel lived her last two weeks with a determination to reclaim her life was a tremendous gift that I am grateful for.
First night Channukah, Channah had a sleep over and we had our first night out together in a very long time. Depression took it's grip on what we had hoped to be an enjoyable evening. When Rachel wanted to just call it a night and let depression win, I refused to let her. We saw the movie Pitch Perfect. Rachel was so shocked that I told her that I liked the song 'Titanium' that she bought it as well as the rest of the album on the way home. It was played a lot over those two weeks.
About 3 weeks into Shloshim, the silence in the apartment was starting to get to me. This was something that had never happened to me before. As soon as Shloshim was over, I had myself surrounded by Rachel's music all the time. The Soundtrack from Pitch Perfect still speaks to me and I often have it cycling through for hours at a time. I am going to share a few songs from the soundtrack and how they speak to me.
Don't Stop the Music -- The music of Rachel's life was turned off way to early. When I surround myself and appreciate music, it not only helps me feel that she is part of me but also putting into practise of what she taught me the power music has.
Titanium --
You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say I'm talking loud, not saying much I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet you shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose fire away, fire away ricochet, you take your aim fire away, fire away you shoot me down, but I won't fall I am titanium you shoot me down, but I won't fall I am titanium
When I’m gone, When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
This song makes me think about how much I miss Rachel, but also the cup game was very popular during our time together in NCSY. It reminds me of the time, at the beginning of our relationship.
I Saw the Sign -- This was one of the popular songs that to me defines a summer as a CIT at camp. At camp I decided to daven 3 times a day. The 2nd Shabbat after I came home, I decided to "Keep Shabbat until hockey season starts." That was the year of the first NHL lockout. It was the best chance I ever had of making the Select team. I walked off of a number of tryouts because they fell on Friday night or conflicted with an NCSY Shabbaton. Those decisions paved the way for Rachel to enter my life and setting the path for where I am today. Decisions I have never regretted.
Just the Way You Are --
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
(I was thinking bout her, thinkin bout me)
I know, I know
(Thinkin bout us, what we gon' be)
when I compliment her she won't believe me
My nickname for Rachel was 'Beautiful'. There were times she got upset with me because I used it so much that she accused me of forgetting her name. A name is the essence of who a person is. It probably around her last 6 months that she started to believe me that I loved her for who she was. She often felt that others saw her as not good enough and if they would abandon her if she didn't have give them what they wanted.
Bright Lights/Magic Medley --
I've got the magic in me
Every time I touch that track it turns into gold
know everybody knows I've got the magic in me
Rachel's creative talent was incredible. She could do whatever she put her mind to.The same applied for various challenges and repairs for Channah.
Rachel had one friend that used to love buying bangle bracelets from Rachel. The friend would ask her how come after years they didn't need polishing. She would say "It's Magic". Shortly after Rachel passed away that friend contacted me. They had started to tarnish. The 'magic' had worn off.
Price Tag/Don't You Forget About Me/Give it Everything Tonight --
Seems like everybody's got a price,
I wonder how they sleep at night,
When the sale comes first and the truth comes second,
Just stop for a minute and smile,
Everybody look to the left,
Everybody look to the right,
Can you feel that yeah,
We're payin with love tonight,
It's not about the money, money, money,
We don't need your money, money, money,
We just want to make the world dance,
Forget about the price tag,
Rachel was always about doing what was right. She would never care about the toll it would take on her.
Give me everything tonight,
For all we know we might not get tomorrow,
Rabbi Orlofsky told me at the Shiva that Tzadikim get a nevuah that there time is up. Rachel's last night she had gone to the Kuppah for medication and was supposed to go home to sleep off the migraine. She was determined to keep a promise to Channah to make a minor purchase for her. She did the very best to make the most of her very last day. Something I am grateful for.
Music was Rachel's life. No matter which direction my life takes, I hope that music can be a part of my life, the way Rachel taught me it should.
Music played a huge role in Rachel's life. Whether it was playing or teaching the piano or listening to her eclectic range of music it was something that she always needed around her. Music reflected her life. It was part of her.
The last month of her life shared the same roller coaster/yo yo qualities of her life since losing Gabi. It started with the harshest migrane she had to deal with. The extra medication to break it fuelled a horrible depression that resulted with the police showing up at my door at 3am. Over Channukah she surrounded herself with the right people and activities that helped pull her out of the depression. Taking stock of what happened Rachel and I had a conversation that lasted all night. Every issue that we had in our lives together was discussed and put to rest. Rachel lived her last two weeks with a determination to reclaim her life was a tremendous gift that I am grateful for.
First night Channukah, Channah had a sleep over and we had our first night out together in a very long time. Depression took it's grip on what we had hoped to be an enjoyable evening. When Rachel wanted to just call it a night and let depression win, I refused to let her. We saw the movie Pitch Perfect. Rachel was so shocked that I told her that I liked the song 'Titanium' that she bought it as well as the rest of the album on the way home. It was played a lot over those two weeks.
About 3 weeks into Shloshim, the silence in the apartment was starting to get to me. This was something that had never happened to me before. As soon as Shloshim was over, I had myself surrounded by Rachel's music all the time. The Soundtrack from Pitch Perfect still speaks to me and I often have it cycling through for hours at a time. I am going to share a few songs from the soundtrack and how they speak to me.
Don't Stop the Music -- The music of Rachel's life was turned off way to early. When I surround myself and appreciate music, it not only helps me feel that she is part of me but also putting into practise of what she taught me the power music has.
Titanium --
You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say I'm talking loud, not saying much I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet you shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose fire away, fire away ricochet, you take your aim fire away, fire away you shoot me down, but I won't fall I am titanium you shoot me down, but I won't fall I am titanium
When I’m gone, When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
This song makes me think about how much I miss Rachel, but also the cup game was very popular during our time together in NCSY. It reminds me of the time, at the beginning of our relationship.
I Saw the Sign -- This was one of the popular songs that to me defines a summer as a CIT at camp. At camp I decided to daven 3 times a day. The 2nd Shabbat after I came home, I decided to "Keep Shabbat until hockey season starts." That was the year of the first NHL lockout. It was the best chance I ever had of making the Select team. I walked off of a number of tryouts because they fell on Friday night or conflicted with an NCSY Shabbaton. Those decisions paved the way for Rachel to enter my life and setting the path for where I am today. Decisions I have never regretted.
Just the Way You Are --
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
(I was thinking bout her, thinkin bout me)
I know, I know
(Thinkin bout us, what we gon' be)
when I compliment her she won't believe me
My nickname for Rachel was 'Beautiful'. There were times she got upset with me because I used it so much that she accused me of forgetting her name. A name is the essence of who a person is. It probably around her last 6 months that she started to believe me that I loved her for who she was. She often felt that others saw her as not good enough and if they would abandon her if she didn't have give them what they wanted.
Bright Lights/Magic Medley --
I've got the magic in me
Every time I touch that track it turns into gold
know everybody knows I've got the magic in me
Rachel's creative talent was incredible. She could do whatever she put her mind to.The same applied for various challenges and repairs for Channah.
Rachel had one friend that used to love buying bangle bracelets from Rachel. The friend would ask her how come after years they didn't need polishing. She would say "It's Magic". Shortly after Rachel passed away that friend contacted me. They had started to tarnish. The 'magic' had worn off.
Price Tag/Don't You Forget About Me/Give it Everything Tonight --
Seems like everybody's got a price,
I wonder how they sleep at night,
When the sale comes first and the truth comes second,
Just stop for a minute and smile,
Everybody look to the left,
Everybody look to the right,
Can you feel that yeah,
We're payin with love tonight,
It's not about the money, money, money,
We don't need your money, money, money,
We just want to make the world dance,
Forget about the price tag,
Rachel was always about doing what was right. She would never care about the toll it would take on her.
Give me everything tonight,
For all we know we might not get tomorrow,
Rabbi Orlofsky told me at the Shiva that Tzadikim get a nevuah that there time is up. Rachel's last night she had gone to the Kuppah for medication and was supposed to go home to sleep off the migraine. She was determined to keep a promise to Channah to make a minor purchase for her. She did the very best to make the most of her very last day. Something I am grateful for.
Music was Rachel's life. No matter which direction my life takes, I hope that music can be a part of my life, the way Rachel taught me it should.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Putting the Pieces in the Right Places
Every woman has a spot where they keep all of the jewellery they will never wear. It could be in a drawer of a jewellery box, but it is always separate. They could be family heir looms, pieces with precious metals, pieces with sentimental value or simply broken pieces that will be repaired "one day".
The most common request Rachel would receive was people who asked if they could melt down their gold. Gold becomes brittle when it is melted and reformed, this is not an option on a small scale. Instead she would either repair the piece or design something completely new that incorporated the original with new material to create something beautiful and wearable. The client could once again wear with pride a piece that had been destined to relegated to storage forever.
Rachel and I spent more than half of our lives together, moulding and shaping ourselves and our lives as best we could. We were on the verge of as close to perfection as life could get until it all shattered on February 28th, 2011. We were sent a jewel that we were told we could never have. In an instant, at the most painful moment it was gone. Then the morning of December 31st came and my life was shattered to pieces. The only difference was I don't have Rachel to help me pick up the pieces and Channah is counting on me to rebuild the life she needs.
There are so many shattered little pieces. My first reaction was the I needed to fix everything all at once. A task that is not only impossible but quickly lead to burning myself out. I need to sift and sort through the pieces. Some are usable in rebuilding for the future. Some have no value in the piece I am rebuilding but I want to keep them anyways. Some forever and some until I am ready to let go. Handling new situations and challenges will be the new material that holds it all together.
There are a lot of people who want to help. I am finding that there are to varying degrees to philosophies of how to move forward. There are those who are helping me sift through the old and the new. They recognize that it is up to me to decide which pieces go where. They are there to advise or even help set the pieces in place. At the end of the day the decisions are mine and whatever I decide is the correct decision. That doesn't mean I won't make mistakes. They believe I have the right to make my own mistakes.
There are others, who know exactly how I need to rebuild and exactly how long it should take. Each decision that does not fit in with the schedule needs to be challenged and justified. If I make a mistake there will be negative consequences that will lead to destroyed lives and possibly mixed dancing. They need to make sure I am prevented from making those tragic mistakes.
When Channah was a baby in the NICU, she had a problem that she was blowing through IV lines and running out of veins. The solution was to insert a long line (pic line) that are supposed to last a week. The problem was they couldn't get one in. The hospital wanted to undergo a 'simple' solution to transfer her to another hospital and have it inserted with the help of radiology. Rachel and I refused to authorize the treatment forcing the hospital to look for another solution. We entered Channah into a study about long lines. The doctor heading up the study, spent his day inserting long lines. He was successful with Channah. The long line was supposed to last for a week, which was more than enough time for it not to be needed.
That evening the long line broke. Ben Herr was the doctor on staff and tried to reinsert it. After his first attempt failed I had a huge argument with him and told him to stop. I knew he didn't have the skill to get the job done. Rachel was convinced I was going to punch the doctor to get him to stop. The administrative staff stepped in to talk with us. After a number of attempts the doctor gave up unable to perform the procedure.
I granted permission to let them shave Channah's hair so that they could put an IV into her head. The little bit of beautiful blonde hair that covered the only part of her body that had been untouched in the battle for her life was going to be taken from her. That night they had the two best nurses on staff for putting in IVs. They managed to find one last vein without having to cut her hair. The IV lasted the couple of days we needed until it wasn't necessary anymore. Around the same time we had friends faced with the same solution to a similar problem. They agreed to the procedure and which had many complications leading to a prolonged hospital stay.
The most important thing in my life right now is looking out for Channah. I have and will continue to make mistakes along the way. Being a good parent is not about being perfect. It is about providing an environment, where they know they are loved unconditionally, they can make mistakes and grow from them, they know the communication is open where they can express their feelings without being judged.
I do not fear making mistakes. I fear that I will make the popular choice instead of trusting myself to do what I believe is right. Even worse, I fear I will not be able to tell the difference between the two. I need to treat myself as me and not anyone else. I must insist others do the same. There are many struggles ahead. For Channah's sake I can't fail.
The most common request Rachel would receive was people who asked if they could melt down their gold. Gold becomes brittle when it is melted and reformed, this is not an option on a small scale. Instead she would either repair the piece or design something completely new that incorporated the original with new material to create something beautiful and wearable. The client could once again wear with pride a piece that had been destined to relegated to storage forever.
Rachel and I spent more than half of our lives together, moulding and shaping ourselves and our lives as best we could. We were on the verge of as close to perfection as life could get until it all shattered on February 28th, 2011. We were sent a jewel that we were told we could never have. In an instant, at the most painful moment it was gone. Then the morning of December 31st came and my life was shattered to pieces. The only difference was I don't have Rachel to help me pick up the pieces and Channah is counting on me to rebuild the life she needs.
There are so many shattered little pieces. My first reaction was the I needed to fix everything all at once. A task that is not only impossible but quickly lead to burning myself out. I need to sift and sort through the pieces. Some are usable in rebuilding for the future. Some have no value in the piece I am rebuilding but I want to keep them anyways. Some forever and some until I am ready to let go. Handling new situations and challenges will be the new material that holds it all together.
There are a lot of people who want to help. I am finding that there are to varying degrees to philosophies of how to move forward. There are those who are helping me sift through the old and the new. They recognize that it is up to me to decide which pieces go where. They are there to advise or even help set the pieces in place. At the end of the day the decisions are mine and whatever I decide is the correct decision. That doesn't mean I won't make mistakes. They believe I have the right to make my own mistakes.
There are others, who know exactly how I need to rebuild and exactly how long it should take. Each decision that does not fit in with the schedule needs to be challenged and justified. If I make a mistake there will be negative consequences that will lead to destroyed lives and possibly mixed dancing. They need to make sure I am prevented from making those tragic mistakes.
When Channah was a baby in the NICU, she had a problem that she was blowing through IV lines and running out of veins. The solution was to insert a long line (pic line) that are supposed to last a week. The problem was they couldn't get one in. The hospital wanted to undergo a 'simple' solution to transfer her to another hospital and have it inserted with the help of radiology. Rachel and I refused to authorize the treatment forcing the hospital to look for another solution. We entered Channah into a study about long lines. The doctor heading up the study, spent his day inserting long lines. He was successful with Channah. The long line was supposed to last for a week, which was more than enough time for it not to be needed.
That evening the long line broke. Ben Herr was the doctor on staff and tried to reinsert it. After his first attempt failed I had a huge argument with him and told him to stop. I knew he didn't have the skill to get the job done. Rachel was convinced I was going to punch the doctor to get him to stop. The administrative staff stepped in to talk with us. After a number of attempts the doctor gave up unable to perform the procedure.
I granted permission to let them shave Channah's hair so that they could put an IV into her head. The little bit of beautiful blonde hair that covered the only part of her body that had been untouched in the battle for her life was going to be taken from her. That night they had the two best nurses on staff for putting in IVs. They managed to find one last vein without having to cut her hair. The IV lasted the couple of days we needed until it wasn't necessary anymore. Around the same time we had friends faced with the same solution to a similar problem. They agreed to the procedure and which had many complications leading to a prolonged hospital stay.
The most important thing in my life right now is looking out for Channah. I have and will continue to make mistakes along the way. Being a good parent is not about being perfect. It is about providing an environment, where they know they are loved unconditionally, they can make mistakes and grow from them, they know the communication is open where they can express their feelings without being judged.
I do not fear making mistakes. I fear that I will make the popular choice instead of trusting myself to do what I believe is right. Even worse, I fear I will not be able to tell the difference between the two. I need to treat myself as me and not anyone else. I must insist others do the same. There are many struggles ahead. For Channah's sake I can't fail.
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