Simchat Torah -- Surrounded by Children

Journey's 4 came out shortly before Channah was born. I listened to that CD on so many of my trips back and forth from the hospital. I felt personally connected to a bunch of the songs. One in particular was about post war Europe, where some survivors enter a boarded up shul to celebrate Simchat Torah. They discover that the Sifrei Torah are gone but there are a pair of children hiding in the shul.

We danced round and round in circles as if the world had done no wrong
From evening until morning, filling up the shul with song
Though we had no sifrei Torah to clutch an hold up high
In their place we held those children, am yisrael chai"

Every Simchat Torah, I would think of this song as I danced with Channah. She was my Sefer Torah. Last year we realized that it was the last year that she would be my Sefer Torah. She was getting too big to dance with me at shul. Rachel and I were both comforted, knowing there was going to be a new Sefer Torah to dance with this year.

Last night at shul, I could feel a tear in my soul. I wanted to connect to the joy and deep meaning of the day. At the same time, I didn't have my Sefer Torah to hold and dance with. I had a hard time participating, never mind enjoying the night. I had expressed to the Rabbi earlier in the week that I wanted Kol HaNearim. He told me that it had been taken care of.

This morning the auction reached Kol HaNearim. (Chatan Bereshit & Chatan Torah are assigned before the Chag). I immediately put up my hand to bid. Things went so fast that I am not sure how much I bid, but I had to withdraw pretty quickly. A friend dropped out when bidding hit 1000 NIS. Very quickly, the price hit 2000 NIS. The Rabbi called a timeout and asked who the other bidder was. They had a short meeting. The other bidder was someone who is really important in our life and is one of the people we consider to be our adopted family. The auctioneer choked up as he announced the two had formed a syndicate and had purchased the Aliyah for 4000 NIS and were giving it to me. Suddenly, I was overcome with a feeling of peace and comfort. I was able to fully enjoy Hakafot.

The Aliyah gave me a lot more Chizuk then I thought it would. All the kids said the bracha with me while Channah stood behind me. My aliyah talked about the land allocated to Dan, Naphtali and Asher. Our home is in the Dan region and Naphtali was the name we were going to use if Channah had been a boy. Chattan Bereshit (which came right after mine), mentioned Moshe seeing "Gilad" before he died and the Gabi reference, where Moshe died and we don't know where he is burried. It also contains the letter that I wrote for Gabi, although leining was not taking place from that particular Sefer Torah.

I do not believe in segulahs, as they tend to be people putting their faith into made up rituals, where the outcome is not always in our hand. However, having Kol HaNarim seemed to be the correct way to express everything that we have been through this year. I spent the time hoping that Hashem will grant our prayers to not be quite in the same positions next year. Next year, I will be more than happy to stand by and watch as I hold my own new and little Sefer Torah in my arms. May Hashem answer this one prayer with a yes.

What an End to the Season

Today was the end of the winter softball season. Wow, what a way to end the season. The game was at Baptist Village which is a lot further away then where we play most of our games. It was the first time, I played there. It had a very different feel then Gezer field as the out field fences were better designed to contain the ball. When I arrived the Sunday night pick up game was still playing. I asked them what type of ball they were using because it was bouncing like it was one of the rubber balls you use to play baseball inside a gym when it snows. It turns out that is was just that the field was very muddy, even though the mud was dry.

Before the game could start, we had an unusual problem. We had a full 9 man team but the other team was one man short. Not only that but one of our players brought a bunch of his kids including a 16 year old that we lent to their team. The original trade was a player straight for nothing. Then we realized that most of our main players were away and we only had one bat. At that point we sent in another negotiator to get a bat as part of the trade. We also gave them a LF, until his turn a bat (he batted 7th in the first) until their "9th" player arrived.

I started the game batting clean up and playing 2nd base. The first inning we scored a bunch of runs and held them scoreless on a bunch of pop ups. The 2nd inning they caught up, after we went 3 up 3 down. I was able to catch an inning ending pop up, which is a play that has been a problem for me as long as I have played baseball. First inning I had a one out ground out to advance the runner to their. Second inning I struck out.

Third inning I grounded out again. I also dropped a pop up. Then the controversy started. With the bases loaded, a ground ball was fielded and thrown home. The ball hit the catchers glove and it landed in his feet. The umpire called him out. He said the catcher had the ball and dropped it after being bumped by the base runner. They then hit a grounder to me, which I turned into an inning ending 4-3 double play. The other teams coach who had been on 3rd base at the time went nuts.

In the 4th we made a pitching change. Our (ringer) catcher, came into pitch for our coach. I was moved behind the plate. I did not have a good game behind the plate. On what play with runners on 1st and 2nd with two out a grounder was hit to our 3rd baseman. Umpire yelled, foul ball, so he didn't rush to make a play. Then he said my mistake and tried to rule it a fair ball. If it had been fair the inning would have been over. Once again their coach went nuts arguing the call. He wanted it to count as a single with the bases loaded. It was eventually ruled no pitch and the batter flew out to CF ending the inning.

In the top of the fifth the score was 11-10 with me at the plate with two runners on. I hit a clutch RBI single passed the second baseman making the score 12-10. We scored our last run on a wild pitch bringing the score to 13-10.

In the bottom of the fifth I was still catching. Two runs had scored making the score 13-12. Then the batter struck out with a ball low in the dirt. I don't know if it was a strike or not. All I know is I caught the ball and tagged the runner for good measure. The coach of the other team came out yelling at the umpire again. The ump said either you go or I go and walked off the field. Eventually he came back to finish off the inning. At that point, I went back to 2nd and our catcher went behind the plate as our regular pitcher returned to the mound to go for the save. First play was a ground ball to short which, was thrown to me for a 6-4 out. Then the next ball was grounded directly to me, for me to get the unassisted last out. The game was called, even though there was time left, because the umpires didn't want things to get more out of hand.

When hand shakes went around their coach shook on umpires hand but not the other. This lead to another shouting match, with the coach being threatened with expulsion from the league and the umpire being critized by the other ump for stirring things up.

The final outcome is we won our last game 13-12. Despite my mistakes, I made a solid contribution to the win.

Coming Face to Face with Rosh HaShanah

As Judgment Day approaches, I cannot help to think with great sadness of how much things have changed in the past year. I went into Rosh HaShanah feeling confident that our lives had just seemed to fall into place. Gone was the feeling, that we were not where we were supposed to be in life. I entered the year confident that I finally had my life in order.

-Channah was starting elementary school and loves being Israeli
-The frustration of a possible move disappeared a few days after returning to Israeli soil
-I have a great job with a great boss
-I had finally set up the learning schedule I wanted, including a chavrusah
-We were doing a tremendous Mitzvah by allowing a long term guest stay in our apartment while they tried to put their life back together again
-I had taken it upon myself to publicly defend one of my Rabbi's from a major controversy taken out of context
-We made the decision to be more proactive, so that I would make the 240 km trek more often to the closest hockey arena
-We were satisfied with our lot in life, including accepting that our family would always be the 3 of us.
-Rachel had upgraded her skills over the summer and was looking forward to applying her new skills to her jewelery
-We were living in the land promised to our ancestors so many years ago, we were literaly living in Jewish history.


That confidence carried over Less then a week later, with Yom Kippor approaching, it appeared that the prayers of a very special 6 year old girl had been answered. All she wanted was a little sister. Although it was a very difficult pregnancy, we met every step of the way with tremendous joy. I was confident that such a wonderful gift would come to fruition. When we hit the gestational date, where Channah was born, we celebrated and went out and bought a stroller. We were coming down the stretch home free.

Then one night Rachel's instincts told her something was wrong. The false confidence I had built allowed me to convince Rachel to wait until doctor appointment in the morning. By then it was too late. Even in the ambulance, full siren racing towards the hospital, I thought the worst case scenario was, we were dealing with a preemie and NICU time. It didn't even occur to me that her life had been in danger and it was already too late. Gabi would be born that day, just without a heart beat. Life would never be the same.

Over the last 7 months we have seen the best and worst in people. We have endless stories of both close friends and strangers, stepping up to help us deal with our grief. There will be many people standing before God this year, with the merits of not only literally saving Rachel's life but saving my family from being destroyed by grief. The flip side is the countless friendships and relationships that have been destroyed in the last number of months. People who we thought we could count on, who put their own comfort in front of our time of need. People who decided what we needed best but didn't have a clue, how wrong they were. People who would ask what we needed and proceed to do the opposite. I have done my best to forget about the burnt out wreckage of those lost friendships. That doesn't mean I sometimes miss the illusion of what I thought I had.

This year, I stand in judgment not with my accomplishments but holding the shards of my broken family that I am trying to put back together. I have less merits than last year, to plead to over turn the evil decree. The only thing I can ask, is that "time served" is enough punishment for my family and that we will have the strength to get back on our feet. I have always tried to be the anchor to hold everything together. Even in the last two weeks, I have found myself feeling more like a dead weight then keeping the ship away from danger.

May everyone (especially those who took the bitterness out of this year), have a sweet, healthy and happy year.

Only Israeli Police Moment

On the way home from softball, there are often police stationed on the on ramp from Highway 3 (goes to Modiin/Latrun) onto Hwy 1 heading towards Jerusalem. While I have wondered what they are looking for but whatever it was, it was not me.

Tonight, the police decided to pull me and the car in front of me over. While, I didn't think I did anything wrong, I started to panic just a little. I asked what was going on and all the officer said was that I he needed my license and insurance. My baseball uniform doesn't have pockets, so I try to keep remember to keep my phone and wallet in the front seat. Not only had I not done that, I couldn't figure out where I left it. Fortunately, I was giving my team mate a ride to his bus stop. I told him to get out my ownership papers, while I continued to panic looking for my wallet. In the mean time he was also able to deal with the 2 girls who were trying to tremp a ride to Jerusalem. I eventually found my wallet. The officer added my name to the long list of people who had also had random inspections and we were on our way.

In case you missed the only in Israel part of the story. There were two girls, on a highway on ramp, waiting for people to stop (either voluntarily or by the police) to give them a ride to Jerusalem.

As for the softball game. It was the first game of the season. For some reason the coach decided that, I can hit and batted me 5th, as I played 2nd base. The other teams pitcher was throwing real hard. My first at bat, I hit the ball so it landed just outside the batter box in fair territory. That was good enough for a single (the teams first hit of the season). My 2nd at bat I hit a hanging liner up the middle that was caught. I also had two put outs at 2nd base. We lost 11-0 after 5 innings on the mercy rule. Although the game was much closer than the scoreboard made it appear.

Random pictures

Hachnasat Sefer Torah for the shul

Jason writing his letters

the children's latters

Fields of Dreams Gezer Field Maariv after the game

It is not bananas it is called eclipse (as seen from gezer field)

eatting the worlds most awesome ice cream in geulah

new uv safe swimsuit from aunt R and uncle B

at gezer field watching abba play softball

Cherry Picking Festival

In Israel, any 2 people doing something can be a festival.  "Hey look, we are both hanging laundry- it is the laundry hanging festival!"  Going for a walk with a friend, it's a walking festival!  Well today we went to the annual Gush Cherry picking festival- and let me tell you this really was a festival!

I am going to let the pictures tell the story. There were also shopping booths, and play areas for kids.  But the picking was the most fun.  We had a blast! (all pictures were taken on my phone so some are a little dark)

the next one is friends of ours who got us there without getting lost

the Titanic sinking as the power went out

What the orchards look like from above

Sefer Torah and Hidden Graves

The oppurtunity to fulfill the mitzvah of writting a Sefer Torah by actually writting a Sefer Torah is a rare opportunity. I had done it once before, when my Yeshiva was taking the Sefer Torah from place to place to give alumni the opportunity to write a letter, even if they could not afford it. I was so nervous, that I basically losely held the pen while the Sofer did the work.

Shavuot night, they announced that a new Sefer Torah was being donated to the shul last night. What immediately appealed to us, was that they allocated the last two words for all of the children and would only require a 5 NIS donation. We immediately bought one for Channah and Gabi. After much contemplation we decided to by two letters at full price. One for my FIL who is currently on the winning side of a battle with a brain tumor and one for our family.

We got to the house where the final letters were being written and I told the Sofer that I had bought two letters. He asked if I wanted him to do it or if I would like to do it myself. I told him that I wanted to do it. He showed me how to hold the pen and had me practise on a scrap piece of parchment. I got it perfect on the first shot, so the Sofer picked out some of the harder letters to fill out. My hand started to shake, then I couldn't get the ink to come out. After some moving around he found me a Bet and a Reish to fill in from the world בארץ I wrote my two letters and then the Sofer cleaned them up and finished the word. There are commentaries who say that you can read out all of Jewish History in Parsha וזאת הבראכה and now I had my own special word. I hadn't really been paying attention to the Pasuk and in my head was thinking how it normally refers to the Land of Israel and how appropriate that was.

I then went to Shul for Mincha and looked up the Pasuk. In that section the word comes up 3 times. 34:5 - Moshe died, 34:6 - we don't know where Moshe is buried. 34:11 - evidence there will never be another like Moshe. I immediately freaked out because I thought, I had written from 34:6. My special word in the Torah was a remez (hint) about Gabi. Instead I have a Gzerah Shava (when on word is written in multiple places, we can learn out concepts between the different psukim).

I don't know what the lesson is, but somehow it connects, the first ever generation of Olim (our Aliyah), Moshe's unknown grave (just like Gabi) and those unable to enter the land of Israel.