It's December 31st

 For the passed few days or so, I have been emotionally unstable. This is the one time of year, I have to accept those emotions unconditionally. My body knows that December 31st is coming.  My heart knows that it has been 8 years since Rachel's passing. It still seems like everything in my life is marked as either before or after day. 

2020 has been a horrible year for the world. There were a lot of struggles for me and my family along with everything else. If I look back objectively, there have been a lot of highlights. 

When Peri and I were deciding if we should date, I was faced with the question of deciding if her 3 dogs would be a deal breaker. In the end I decided to accept Rocky, Bo and Snuggles and everything that went along with being a dog owner. When Rocky and Bo passed, I was hesitant to add another dog. One day we went to Tel Aviv to check out a dog. It was a bad match from a rescue that is dishonest and should be avoided. Instead of heading home, I decided that we should check out Tsar Baal Chaim in Tel Aviv. It was a great experience. In February, Bailey joined our family. It was my push that resulted in adopting him. 

Purim fell out a week before the entire country locked down.  We attended a Bat Mitzvah in the evening and a wonderful seudah in the afternoon. My parent's were visiting. They were able to celebrate a fun holiday with us. 

Just before Pesach we completed the purchase of our apartment. I thought it was a dream I would never be able to fulfill in my lifetime. The previous owners didn't want to move out for another 2 months. We had reluctantly agreed to allow them to rent from us for the extra two months. The move ended up being a real windfall for us. Most importantly, our moving day ended up being after the initial lockdown. We were able to have the freedom of movement to do all the renovations and preparations needed for a proper move. We have really been enjoying the benefits of owning our own home and so has our credit rating. 

I used to travel an hour and a quarter to Holon to play hockey on a tiny rink. A new full sized rink is now open in Tnuvot. All of the Anglo hockey has been moved to the new rink. My 75+ minute commute has been reduced to under an hour. The best part is those I look forward to spending time with every week are still playing in the same time slot. As soon as we have an end to these constant lockdowns, I can start playing on a consistent basis.

Last month I had eye surgery. Aside from not wearing glasses anymore, it has made a huge change in my life. I no longer fear my eyes blowing out on their own. I no longer fear closing my eyes without ointment in them. I can even be in the same room as onions being chopped without having them blow out.  My vision isn't quite where I want it to be. My eyes are healing and my vision is still improving.

My mental health is the best it has been since I started being treated for my PTSD and depression. Just as the calendar will flip to 2021, this week's emotional struggle will start fading away in the coming days. Life has been really hard. I can still see the positives that have happened throughout the year. 

For the past 8 years, I have viewed my life as Pre-December 31st, 2012 and Post-December 31st, 2012. For forever it seemed that most of my life had to be divided on one side or the other. I am starting to come to terms with that thought. Perhaps by this time next year, that wall will have fallen down, the same way it did for Gabi. 

Note: Rachel's Yahrzeit is this Shabbat.