Thursday, March 3, 2011

Home

Once again I am home from a c-section without my baby girl.  This time she will not be joining us in a few weeks.

I am home but not sure I want to be.  I never expected to come home from the hospital without my little girl.  All my hopes and dreams for the last year have been tied up in this child and this pregnancy.  Every daydream had Channah with playing with her little sister in different places.  Someone told me to find a safe place in my head. There isn't one.  Gabi is playing in every one of them.  Channah and Gabi are hiding out in every nook and cranny in my brain.  They are stuck in every fiber of my being.  Together.

It was never supposed to end this way.  And now I have no idea how to go on.

4 comments:

JEN said...

I am so sorry. Our 2nd daughter was stillborn at 41w in 2007. Our oldest was 25 months at the time, and I had dreamed for 9 months of them growing up together, being best friends, Catriana wearing Mairi's hand me downs, on and on and on. 4 years later, and it hurts less but yet sometimes it hurts more. Please let me know if you ever want to talk, connecting with other loss mamas was one of the biggest, most helpful part of my journey of grief and healing. To feel not alone, not like a freak, to feel normal in my unnormalcy, if you will.

Thoughts and prayers <3

JEN

hopefullytrying said...

HUGS and prayers....our 2nd baby was stillborn at 31 w in 2000. She would have just turned 11 last week.
It still hurts, 11 years later, but not the all consuming, take my breath away, drop to my knees way that it hurts you now.
The only thing that helps is time...and right now, time is marching slowly, I know....also people like Jen and me who have been thru loss, can be extremely helpful, to validate your emotions and let you know that your NOT crazy. What you feel IS right, and it is normal for what your dealing with. Never let anyone tell you it's time to move on, you will always grieve this loss...my heart to yours...

onionsoupmix said...

I don't know anything helpful to write, but I just wanted to say that I am reading your posts and you are not alone. We're all here crying with you.

H&M said...

My heart really goes out to you. I came across a page on your blog randomly and was enjoying reading through a few entries, and came upon this one and I felt a true sense of loss, I can not imagine how you are coping. Hugs and hope... TISHBI I anxiously await the answer to that question... HKBH ynachem etchem bsoch shar avlei tzion vreshalyim... because somehow in His infinite wisdom this insensible reality makes sense may He provide you insight a glimmer into how that works and the strength to face this unfathomable new future