Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A Day of Solitude

I knew today was going to be tough. I planned my day out to basically be by myself with no expectations. Channah had even decided to go to a friend's house straight from school, so I didn't even see her until dinner time. When I first woke up my reaction was that it felt just like an ordinary day.  Then I stopped for a moment and realized my heart was feeling numb, as my head wondered to the first of many memories that filled up my day.

May 7th, 1998. It was Rachel's last birthday before our wedding. As the night went on I started running a fever that kept going up and up. Eventually, I ended up in the ER, where they kept me in a cold room for a number of hours until my temperature started to go down and they sent me home.  For 2 nights Rachel slept in a chair in my room, so she could look after me.  For my parents it was the changing of the guard as Rachel would be the primary person for watching out for my well being for the rest of her life. Over the years birthdays (along with other special occasions) were always hit and miss for me. Sometimes, I would find the perfect gift and find the perfect way to celebrate.  More often than not I would fail miserably. How I wish I could have one more birthday.

I went to the cemetery this morning. When people come visit, there is often a point about how much construction and building is going on.  The same thing happens every time I go to the cemetery.  The new section is pretty big and it looks like they have dug up a few hundred plots. At least there has been some progress on the spelling mistake.  The "I" has been chiselled into a "Y". They did a pretty good job doing it. All they need to do is fill in the black and I can pay the balance I have been withholding.

For so long since Gabi couldn't be with Rachel, Rachel wanted to be with Gabi or at the very least have someone else to help fill the hole in her heart. It just gives me something to think about as I battle through the emunah and bitachon questions, looking for some type of consolation. I told Rachel that at some point down the road there would be some perspective and her loss would make sense.  I was clearly wrong on that one. I spoke to her for a little while. It was kind of eerie being just me and the construction workers. It was also the first time I cried that my eye didn't hurt. My doctor was impressed by how well it is healing.  Although it did hurt when I started crying later in the day.

I watched two movies today. Anastasia was always our movie. I would have proposed the night we saw it, if Rachel hadn't decided last minute to invite a friend along who was feeling lonely. I watched Les Miserables, which Rachel had really been looking forward to seeing. There were a couple of phone calls. The rest of the day was nothing special.  Just time to for reflection and getting lost in my thoughts.

Channah hasn't really been expressing her feelings towards Rachel's loss. She did ask her teacher to stop Halacha Yomit class today.  Apparently they were learning Avelut. Her request was denied but apparently she wasn't paying attention in class.  Not sure if that was with or without the teachers approval.

I knew today would be hard and I think I found the right way to deal with it. As the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight and another day, I am starting to feel like I am ready to face the world once again.

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