How We Lost Our Little Princess

I want to write down all the things going through my head write now. I just can't capture it in any type of coherent form. I am just going to recap what happened yesterday.

On Monday morning Rachel went to the Kupa for her regular Monday round of appointments at the Kupa. The nurse was having trouble finding a heart beat. She immediately went to the doctor to do an ultra sound. The Kupa doesn't have an Ultra Sound tech working on the day that the high risk doctor was in. She said she saw a faint heart beat and ordered an ambulance.

Rachel called me to tell me it was time and to get to the Mercaz before the ambulance. It took me a moment to register what was going on. She said we were going to the hospital and they would decide if we need an emergency C-Section. Ein Kerem was choosen because it would be closer.

Taking the 38 can be nerve racking at the best of times. Taking it full speed in traffic with sirens blaring was terrifying. Rachel had to do it lying down backwards. During that time, I started refocusing on the possibility that we could have a preemie born that day and we could handle it. I never had the slightest inkling of what really happened.

Rachel was set up in labour and delivery. They brought over the ultra sound machine. You could see the look in the techs face when he didn't see anything and called over another tech. Again the same thing happened and they called in the doctor. Next was a proper ultra sound. Rachel was given the option of how to get there and choose walking as it was the fastest. As I am running with all our stuff, to keep up with Rachel, the staff is trying to get me to take of the paper work. After doing everything they could they determined their was no pulse.

We went back to L&D, before being taken to a mostly private room next door, away from the heart breaking noise of the heart monitors. I called the Rabbi to tell him what happened. 20 minutes later I called to ask the first Shiloh and he said he was already on route to the hospital.
Rachel also needed a Mom, so I called her Aunt from the Shomron to sub in for the role. The help at that point in time was tremendous.

Rachel was given the choice between induction and C-Section. After choosing C-Section the doctors than tried to discourage her. The C-Section was scheduled for 2 hours later. During our wait we also met with the Social Worker.

During the C-Section they showed us the large knot in the umbilical cord. They said it happened very fast and she showed no signs of suffering. The first time you hold your baby girl in your arms, you are supposed to make a Shechiynu. Instead I burst into tears. She was warm and looked just like Channah when she was born, only bigger (1480g). I can still feel what it was like to hold her in my arms the same way, I can still visualize how I used to first hold Channah. It felt like holding a sleeping baby. Rachel was still pretty imobile from the surgery, but she was able to touch her.

The support we have received since then has been amazing. People are spending the night, so Rachel is not alone. I spent a great deal of time, yesterday and today running around to get straight the Chevra Kadisha starightened out. We rented a car so we could go back and forth to the hospital easily. Parking is a nightmare. It is like Yorkdale the week before Christmas, only worse. Channah had her Mesibat Siddur today. My chavrusah arranged for a professional photographer to make a video for Rachel.

We had finally accepted the fact that we had our perfect little family. Then we go to the Kotel and Channah davens for a little sister. A short time later, Rachel's dermatologist would not provide a needed script until she took a pregancy test. She thought it was just jet leg, not the answer to a special little girls prayers. Maintaining this pregancy became a full time job. We were so greatful for the oppurtunity. Hashem gave us such a wonderful gift. I am still having trouble accepting that he would just take it away just like that.