My Rabbi likes to say that a Mitzvah has to have Mazel. You never know which ones are going to become popular and which ones are going to be forgotten. One of the forgotten mitzvahs he is big on is tearing kriyah when going to the Kotel if you have not been there in 30 days. I have a special shirt reserved for this purpose. It's replacement has already been lined up because it has too many holes, but this morning I couldn't find it and went back to the original.
Tearing kriyah was a different experience. For one I had my father over my shoulder trying to figure out what I was doing. It was also the first time I teared kriyah since Gabi died. The contrast was quite emotional. While Jerusalem is in Jewish hands and we are able to visit our holy sights we still mourn that the most important thing the Jewish people has lost as a whole has not been returned. On the flip side, as much as I loved Gabi, held her warm body in my arms her failure to have a single heart beat outside of Rachel, means her life halachicly did not count. As painful as losing her is, I did not tear kriyah for her. I could not help but think of how much it doesn't bother us that we don't have the Beit HaMikdash. It is also sad that halacha has not stepped up to the plate to deal with the emotional realities caused by advancement in the field medicine.
I went down to the Kotel. Chabad really annoyed my father with the line "Hey Grandpa, Do you want to put on teffilin?" We davened mincha then I took some time to myself. What I thought was going to be a relatively short tefillah, evolved as it went along. Everytime I thought I was done, I threw in the word "and" then continued. A recurring theme was I kept saying "Eicha" Eicha is the book we read on Tish B'Av, when we mourn the loss of the Beit Hamikdash. The word essentially means "How can it be?" 4 weeks ago, I repeated it over and over again as I cried myself to sleep.
I not only hope that my Teffilot will be answered with a yes, but that I have davened for the right thing as not to have a bracha taken away on a technicality.