Thursday, July 4, 2013

Colliding Worlds

'We Didn't Start the Fire' is running through my head as I make this list. I am tone deaf so you can decide for yourself if this works. 

Blue Jays Lose, Blue Jays Win, Wedding, Wedding Reception, Wedding still to come, Stomach Flu, Hockey, Cottage, Stanley Cup on CBC, Shabbats with Family, Shabbat with Friends, Camp for Channah, Marineland, Anniversary, BBQ, 'Canadian Donuts', New Shoes, Broken down Erev Shabbat near Cornwall, Star Trek into Darkness, Man of Steel with D-Box, The Great and Powerful Oz, The Devil Wears Prada, Dave and Busters, Bowling, Mount Royal, Kiddush for friends who waited 14 years to adopt baby girl, Channah's insomnia is back again, JFK, Flight Delay, 'There's a Cow in My Soup', Trading tickets with Ticket Master, Tov Li again and again, Sushi Delight, Sheva Brochot, Pre-Sheva Brachot, Harbourfront, Schedule Juggling, Raising money, Brand new dryer waiting for my return home, Living with my parents, time with family and friends (including the Israeli ones), 2nd Still Standing Magazine Article, Slurpees, Free baby sitting, Chauffeur service, Science Centre and Oink Oink for Channah, lots of crafts, dollar store, Walmart, 2L bottles look huge, tons of new stuffed animal friends.

That is a brief summary of why I have been mostly tuning out the world over the last few weeks. The trip to Toronto has been a mass of worlds colliding. The past with the future as I continue to pick up the broken pieces and figure out which ones to take with me, which ones to keep in a safe place and which ones are not as significant as they seemed before I picked them up to examine them.

When I moved to Israel some of my life in Toronto became left in my passed. When Gabi died some walked back into my life and many more walked out. When Rachel died I had a flood of support from my new community and a lot from the old country. It was such a blur I can't say with any degree of certainty if an individual person didn't. The family in Toronto was flooded with even more support. While they were flooded with hundreds of condolence cards I received 4 or 5. It does not bother me in anyway how people choose to or not to show there grief. It is only to help understand what I am about to write.

On a number of times I have run into people that I know that I don't think I have heard from since Rachel's passing and possibly much, much longer. I am sure it is 1000 times more awkward for them as it is or me. We exchange greetings and sometimes even make small talk. I walk away with two questions on my head 1.Did they know about Rachel? 2. If they did, why didn't they say anything? (even in a round about way to let me decide if it is a topic I want to discuss). The end result is instead of taking another tiny step forward, I feel confused as the questions turn over in my head.

I am proud of how in the last few months, I have gotten myself back on my feet at home. I am now confident I can provide the an environment to allow Channah to continue to grow and prosper. I also believe Rachel would not have left me to take care of Gabi if she didn't have full faith in me. This trip has taught me to face the fears of my colliding fears and remind me the world is not as big and scary of a place that it appears to be. I love my family. I know that I can take care of it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


You are doing a great job as a parent, and everyone who knows you knows you will continue to do a great job. Don't doubt it for a second!

From one of your RBS neighbors who wishes to post anonymously.