Monday, July 8, 2013

My Life's Best Secret

Ever since Rachel passed away I have picked up a tiny piece of the need to be surrounded by music similar but not quite to the same extent Rachel did.  This particular song has been on my mind over the last little while.

Here is a link to the complete lyrics. I was going to cut and paste the applicable lyrics but I would end up posting the entire song.

Around Pesach time I happened to be at a meal with a single mother. The topic of dating came up with all the people trying to set her up even though it was clear that she was not in a position to move forward in her life. My hosts insisted that people were backing off because it was too soon for me. About a week later I was with a different family and they asked me about my future. I repeated the story about this other person. They were really offended anyone would try to set her up. In the next sentence they asked me if I had considered dating her.

Since then I have had some very interesting conversations with various people on where they saw my life going.  I decided not to go with one particular therapist because she was more interested in getting me married than dealing with the problems at hand.

My parents went home before Shloshim was over. I was surprised to learn they had been approached by various people about my future. Apparently I was considered a good catch and people were just waiting for me to get through the grieving process.   

I got married after my first year of university. I had never really lived on my own in an environment where I was completely responsible for myself. I needed the last 6 months to learn what it was like to live and depend on me. I needed to learn who I am because for the last 15+ years my life has always been about 'we'. I needed to grow, develop and become a better stronger person before I could ever look for the right person to be with me and raise Channah. I needed time to learn how to be a single parent. I needed time to grieve and figure out how to pick up the pieces. I needed to take huge scary steps in order to move forward. I am very proud of what I have accomplished.  I am also grateful to all of the outside help that has made it possible.

Throughout the entire time there has been one person who has been my anchor on the darkest days and my sunshine that let me know that the dark days would give way to less dark days. She has shown me that I am allowed to be happy, even though there will always be a part of my heart that will always miss Rachel. She has invigorated Channah with a special energy that has allowed her to act and feel like a kid again. It is something that I haven't seen in a very long time.

When your wife is going through major depression, you have conversations that go to dark places that are often not found in a marriage. Rachel told me who I would end up with, if anything happened to her. She spent the Friday before she died agonizing over the question of who's Channah's guardians should be. I firmly believe she had the piece of mind knowing that I had what I needed to look after Channah before she began the journey that she had longed for to go and look after Gabi.

Peri was Rachel's best friend from the time they were little kids. She has been my close friend for 20 years. She has always been someone with all of the attributes of a true friend. Last week we saw the Tigers show the Blue Jays why they are in first place and the Blue Jays are in last place. We also saw a bench clearing brawl and Colby Rasmus sending Omar Infante on a trip to the DL. It was our first date and yes we did have hot dogs. Channah understands what is going on and is absolutely thrilled.

I have learned the hard way that life doesn't go as planned.  Right now I am grateful and thrilled that Peri is in my life and we have decided to take this step so our relationship to grow even more.


Laurie Glicklin said...

Jason, it is said that when one has a very good marriage that ends in the death of his spouse, the widow or widower will always look to marry again. You and Rachel had something very special. I am so very happy for you, and I hope and pray that everything works out for the good. You and Channah deserve to be happy. I will wait to hear more good news.

With best wishes, always,
Laurie Sussman

irene swartz said...

Jason as usual you wrote from the heart and beautifully. I can only say I wish you lots of happiness and really hope things work out. I am so happy for you both.

Anonymous said...

SO glad you guys had hot dogs!!