It's December 31st

 For the passed few days or so, I have been emotionally unstable. This is the one time of year, I have to accept those emotions unconditionally. My body knows that December 31st is coming.  My heart knows that it has been 8 years since Rachel's passing. It still seems like everything in my life is marked as either before or after day. 

2020 has been a horrible year for the world. There were a lot of struggles for me and my family along with everything else. If I look back objectively, there have been a lot of highlights. 

When Peri and I were deciding if we should date, I was faced with the question of deciding if her 3 dogs would be a deal breaker. In the end I decided to accept Rocky, Bo and Snuggles and everything that went along with being a dog owner. When Rocky and Bo passed, I was hesitant to add another dog. One day we went to Tel Aviv to check out a dog. It was a bad match from a rescue that is dishonest and should be avoided. Instead of heading home, I decided that we should check out Tsar Baal Chaim in Tel Aviv. It was a great experience. In February, Bailey joined our family. It was my push that resulted in adopting him. 

Purim fell out a week before the entire country locked down.  We attended a Bat Mitzvah in the evening and a wonderful seudah in the afternoon. My parent's were visiting. They were able to celebrate a fun holiday with us. 

Just before Pesach we completed the purchase of our apartment. I thought it was a dream I would never be able to fulfill in my lifetime. The previous owners didn't want to move out for another 2 months. We had reluctantly agreed to allow them to rent from us for the extra two months. The move ended up being a real windfall for us. Most importantly, our moving day ended up being after the initial lockdown. We were able to have the freedom of movement to do all the renovations and preparations needed for a proper move. We have really been enjoying the benefits of owning our own home and so has our credit rating. 

I used to travel an hour and a quarter to Holon to play hockey on a tiny rink. A new full sized rink is now open in Tnuvot. All of the Anglo hockey has been moved to the new rink. My 75+ minute commute has been reduced to under an hour. The best part is those I look forward to spending time with every week are still playing in the same time slot. As soon as we have an end to these constant lockdowns, I can start playing on a consistent basis.

Last month I had eye surgery. Aside from not wearing glasses anymore, it has made a huge change in my life. I no longer fear my eyes blowing out on their own. I no longer fear closing my eyes without ointment in them. I can even be in the same room as onions being chopped without having them blow out.  My vision isn't quite where I want it to be. My eyes are healing and my vision is still improving.

My mental health is the best it has been since I started being treated for my PTSD and depression. Just as the calendar will flip to 2021, this week's emotional struggle will start fading away in the coming days. Life has been really hard. I can still see the positives that have happened throughout the year. 

For the past 8 years, I have viewed my life as Pre-December 31st, 2012 and Post-December 31st, 2012. For forever it seemed that most of my life had to be divided on one side or the other. I am starting to come to terms with that thought. Perhaps by this time next year, that wall will have fallen down, the same way it did for Gabi. 

Note: Rachel's Yahrzeit is this Shabbat.

Eye had Enough

 It started 9 years ago on the morning of the second day of Rosh HaShannah. I woke up with a pain in my left eye like something was stuck in it. I couldn't make the pain ago away. I was given a Clonex that knocked me out for the rest of the morning. In the afternoon, I went to the Arab doctor who gave me a prescription for something. Of course it was Yom Tov, so I couldn't get it filled. 

The next day I found an optometrist. My cornea had blown out. It took medicine and a few days to heal. That has been the pattern ever since. I would put ointment in my eye whenever  I went to sleep. I had eye gel that I could use, if my eye was irritated during the day. From time to time my cornea would blow out. I would find a way to see my optometrist same day and begin the treatment cycle again. The day I was preparing for my wife's funeral, I went to see my ophthalmologist. We came up with a plan avoid a blowout during shiva that included trying to avoid crying with tears. 

When we moved north, I found someone able to follow the same patterns of monitoring and treatment. That also included finding alternatives when the ointment was discontinued and finding a way to fill scripts properly for an alternative that was added to the health basket, imported from Canada. 

Earlier this year, the cornea blowouts started happening in my second eye as well. A few days before Rosh HaShannah my cornea blew out again. For the first time, I had a second blow out before the healing process had been completed. My ophthalmologist suggested that I see a Cornea Specialist, with the intention of having laser surgery.

About a month later, my eye blew out again. For the first time in 9 years, my ophthalmologist was not available to take care of it. Maccabi found us a doctor who works out of a hotel in Haifa. He said that he had been examining eyes since before I was born. I believe that it was true and that did not offer me any comfort. He told me that the pain I was experiencing was the worst possible type of pain. He also said that I didn't need any pain relief or treatment. Let everything heal on it's own. 

The next day I was still in agony. I went to my ophthalmologist who treated it and put in a contact lens. She didn't want to do too much, because the appointment with the cornea specialist was that evening. The lens didn't hold very well but made it until that evening. The specialist replaced the lens with a therapeutic lens and said it would not come out until I had surgery. I asked how long that would be. He answered 'tomorrow.' He made a phone call and had a slot for me at Assuta Hospital in Tel Aviv for PKT surgery. 

I was in so much pain in the morning, I insisted on leaving more than 2 hours earlier than planned. As the surgeon doesn't show up before a certain time, arriving early didn't help. They tried to take the pictures needed for the surgery shortly after arriving. Unfortunately, my eye was not in good enough shape to be able to take the pictures. We then had the regular waiting time plus an additional two hours. 

The surgeon finally arrived. He had a very calming bedside manner and easily gained my trust and confidence. He agreed that I should have the surgery but not on that day. I needed my eyes to be healthy for a period of 2 weeks before the surgery. He also recommended that they do a PRK at the same time. There was no additional risk and it would correct my vision to the point of not needing glasses. We made an appointment for 3 weeks later. We also made sure that he would be the surgeon performing the surgery.

My eye healed and I was given approval for the surgery. During the 3 weeks, I was afraid my eye would blow out again and paranoid that I could be stuck in bidud (quarantine). The day of the surgery arrived without any need for delays. 

First up were the pictures. I still had trouble opening my eyes wide enough, but they were able to get the images they needed.  Next up was the optometrist. It was a fairly rigorous exam, as they needed to make sure they got everything just right. At one point I was asked "Do you see 5 or 6 objects?' I answered 'I see 4 objects.' I proceeded to name identify them all to make sure everything was correct.

After all the preliminary exams, it was time to see the surgeon. He was happy with all the results and approved the surgery. I wasn't worried but it was still a moment of relief. I signed the waiver and was ready to go. They even made sure that we would get a English copy of the waiver.

We then went to pay the bill and get the detailed instructions for post-op, including lots of eye drops, activity restrictions, follow up appointments and the need to wear sunglasses for 6 months whenever in the sun. We were than directed to a corner in the clinic, to pick up a pair of sunglasses before heading to the pharmacy, followed by the waiting room for the actual surgery. 

At the beginning, I said I wanted to buy myself a pair of sunglasses without a prescription. In the corner there were 4 shelves filled with all kinds of different styles of sunglasses. I would say there were between 60 - 80 in total. As they are now the most expensive sunglasses I will ever own, it will be a while before I buy another pair. 

I am not going to describe the surgery. Suffice it to say that the doctor did a great job, guiding me through the procedure. It was just after he told me that he had finished the first section on my first eye that I realized, that I probably should have had my SOS anti-anxiety medication on board. When I walked out of surgery, I could see perfectly for about 60% of the field in front of me. About half an hour later the blurriness set in, as the healing process began.

I am now 10 days post-op. The recovery time is a lot slower and challenging than than I originally expected. I am making progress and learning to return to regular life step by step. I no longer have to put ointment in my eyes in order to sleep or fear that my eye is going to blow out at anytime. There are a lot of things I am looking forward to doing without glasses, including playing hockey. There are a lot more things to look forward to.

Uman - The Spiritual Crisis

 I was disturbed by the news stories today about the 1000 chasidim trapped in no mans land on the border between the Ukraine and Belarus. The Red Cross had to deliver humanitarian aid to those trapped by their own actions.  One report said that the people had refused to return to Belarus out of fear of being placed in mandatory quarantine guaranteeing they would not reach their destination on time. There are reported to be 2500 chasidim in total who made there way to Belarus unable to cross into the Ukraine by any means necessary. All this to spend Rosh HaShannah at the grave of Rebbe Nachman. 

 Like many of my friends, I am rather baffled by the entire situation. After giving it some thought, maybe I am not as baffled as I would like to be. I can't speak for those who made the journey, but I have had influences in my life that could of/or did put me in equally baffling situations. 

When I was in Yeshiva, we went to the Aish HaTorah Bible Codes seminar. While most of the program is devoted to preparation and understanding of the context and significance of the codes, the inability to use them to predict the future etc... the cool part is the codes. 

The next morning one guy walks into our pre-morning seder shiur, talking about all the cool codes. Our Rebbe wasn't impressed. So he told him another and another. Still not impressed. Finally, our Rebbe stops to explain his position. One day there is going to be a code that doesn't work as expected. If these codes are the foundation of your beliefs, your entire belief system is going to crumble with it. 

When I came back from Yeshiva, I didn't feel I was in a position to be an advisor in NCSY. I didn't have enough belief in myself. Years later, we tried to be actively involved in NCSY again. As we were not wealthy, we thought being role models through Shabbat guests would be a great way to be involved. Despite putting on pressure to be accepted, we were never approved. On one occasion trying to understand the reasons for being rejected, the comment was made that perhaps we wouldn't tell a kid to go to Israel. I am long past being emotionally attached to that statement, but it has given me reason to pause and reflect.

I believe in Hashem, Torah, mitzvot and the Jewish People. For me that belief is anchored in truth. There have been many role models that have turned out to not be as righteous as people would think they were.  There are people who live the religious life while not thinking or acting in a religious way. While my faith has been shaken many times over the years, the acts of an individual acting inappropriately has not crushed my spirits. At the end of the day, people are people.

What happens if the foundation of everything you believe in is anchored into one person? What if everything you believe in down to your very core, beliefs that you have to be in Uman on Rosh HaShannah. Having that taken away from you, could be overwhelming at a level that I can't even imagine. Perhaps for some the only alternative to receiving Red Cross aid in no mans land, is a spiritual crisis at the very core of everything they believe. People will do anything to avoid such a crisis. 

For some in the Haredi world it is inconceivable that the State of Israel would be established by non-religious Jews.  Yet, here we are. The world doesn't always work in the way we think we should. I believe that our belief in Hashem has to stay strong, when he shows us that the world is not what his plan is. Did anyone living at the time of the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash really believe it was going to be destroyed. The mishna in Nedarim deals with cases of vows made that required the Beit HaMikdash only to discover it wasn't there anymore. 

For some, not being able to make it to Uman poses a heart breaking crisis of belief. I can't relate to that line of thinking. Perhaps the ability to blame others for failure to reach Uman is the only way for them to stay true to the person they are.

Mr Pretzels

 From time to time we end up spending a short period of time in Modiin. On those rare visits we have developed a tradition of meeting up with friends at Mr. Pretzels. I was really excited when I found out that Mr. Pretzels was opening at the Grand Canyon in Haifa. 

When it finally did open, I was disappointed to discover that they had decided to open without a teudat kashrut. I was even more disappointed when we found out more details from the store. The ingredients are the same across the entire chain, making the ingredients kosher. Despite the mall being open, Mr. Pretzel was closed on Shabbat. They just didn't want to pay for the supervision. Each and every time, we would walk by, I would give them a mean look in protest. Of course it didn't make a difference to them, especially since nobody would notice. Most of the time, if we were there, we wouldn't be in that part of the mall.

Before going back to school, we found ourselves in the Grand Canyon mall. As we were already there, we decided to check out a back to school promotion. The lines were huge. We ended up going in completely the opposite direction to avoid the crowds. All of a sudden I found that we were in front of 014Mr. Pretzels. I started to give them a mean glare. My eyes slowly shifted until they landed on the sign at the front. It was a teudat kashrut. They are now kosher. I was so excited. We were not able to stop and enjoy on that trip. It is something to look forward to on a future trip to the mall.

Birthday at Rosh HaNikra

It was my birthday, earlier in the week. I just wanted to get out of the apartment and do something that didn't involve walking around a shopping mall. We decided that it was a perfect day to take the 40 minute drive to the Lebanese border to witness 'a love story between the rock and the sea.'  At least that is what the signs said. After years of keeping it on our family to do list, we visited Rosh HaNikra.

We called ahead to make sure it would be family friendly and Corona safe. Although they said it was best to wait until the end of the day, we decided that we would go with enough time to enjoy our day and still be home at a reasonable hour. 

We arrived to find the parking lot closed. Cars were scattered up and down the roads. We took a short drive up the road, just past the sign warning that the border was up ahead. We were able to find parking that wasn't to far away from the entrance to the parking lot. 

View of parking lot from our car

 

We knew which direction to walk. We eventually found our way to the area for purchasing tickets for the cable car. We also decided to upgrade our tickets for an extra activity quasi off the beaten path. We were told that the cable car would be limited to 7 passengers and that it would be an hour wait to get to the bottom. So we headed over to the line, which was staggered into 3 sections. Staff walked through the line at regular intervals to make sure that everyone was still wearing their masks. We also saw some police officers who would have had the authority to issue the 500 NIS fine for not wearing them correctly.

The view while waiting in line

They were not joking about the wait times. We eventually made it onto the cable car, down to our destination. By that point it was lunch time and we were all really hot. We bought a few cold drinks and found a nice quiet spot, on astroturf with umbrellas to offer us shade. 

After lunch it was time to go into the grottoes.  They were absolutely breathtaking. The only issue I had was that there were way too many people who thought they were super models. Their efforts to take the perfect picture, inconvenienced everyone else. It was well worth it. 

After we finished in the grottoes, we walked through a tunnel. The tunnel was built by the British in 1942 to connect Beirut and Haifa, to allow the transfer of military supplies. It was blown up in 1947 to prevent Arab fighters from being able to reach Haifa. 

Shlomo spent the walk telling Hoodie and anyone who would listen that trains used to be here and then they turned it into a museum.

At the other end of the tunnel, our chariot was waiting for us. OK, it wasn't a chariot, it was a golf cart. We had rented it for 45 minutes as something fun and different to do. We were allowed to drive it as far as the nearby beach.  Peri and I took turns driving around and the kids also had fun checking out the area in our slow moving vehicle. Did you know that Israel has trailer parks? We also saw a tent, set up in the kids park, near the beach. I wonder what the story was there. 

From there it was back into the much shorter line up the cable car. We stopped for ice cream at the top. We then headed back to the car to pack it in for the day.  We made it home in time for dinner. 

I had a really great birthday. It was a really fun family tiyul.

Food Distribution - Shlomo the Forklift Operator

The local Food Gemach takes care of families that struggle to provide themselves with the basics. They operate out of the local Bnei Akiva snif. They provide weekly food basics for families in Kiryat Shmuel and Kiryat Chaim. Funding is provided by the city of Haifa. All those receiving a basket are approved by the city social worker. The size of the baskets vary based on family size. Families are supposed to pay a nominal fee for the baskets. I have learned from the few times I have done deliveries that the fee is either waved or payment is delayed. 

There are multiple steps in the preparation and distribution of the baskets.  There are various shifts over a period of two days to take all the steps to pack and deliver the baskets. Normally Shlomo volunteers for the afternoon shift after Gan. His shift involves packing items that are added to the baskets at the very end. He also takes pride in bringing the empty boxes out to the dumpster. When the country went into lockdown, his volunteering temporarily stopped. 

Peri's role with the gemach is to pick up certain food items for the main distribution centre for the Haifa area. Shlomo has been waiting to help out his Eema. However, today was the first time he had an opening in his busy schedule. 

Shlomo was very busy, learning about how the facilities work and the important job they do. He was not afraid to help pitch in. He drove the forklift to empty the garbage bins. After a hard morning work, he was given a fresh peach to cool off on a hot day. 

I Can See A Nose, Can You?

Peri and I took Hoodie with us as we were running errands. One of those stops involved the doctors office. Hoodie and I did a couple of near by errands, while Peri waited for her appointment. When those were finished, I took Hoodie to the park behind the doctor's office. Hoodie went around and tried out all the different activities. She eventually climbed the ladder up to the slide. To her dismay, she discovered that the ground was made up of ropes. There was no smooth surface to walk across to the slide. This would never do. 

As soon as she was back down on the ground, she says 'This is not a good park for me.' and begins to walk away. The only practical option was to head up to the waiting area with Peri.

Hoodie was really excited to be with her Eema. She decided to invent a new game to play, that has now been named,  'I see a nose.'  If someone wasn't wearing a mask properly, she would say 'I see a nose.' If a person was wearing a mask properly, she would give them a thumbs up.  She finished playing when she could no longer find any more noses.

The Mousse Barber

Shlomo and I went for haircuts. Normally a haircut would not be an interesting activity.  These are not ordinary times. Earlier this week, they made hair gel in Gan/Camp. He had it in his hair and brought home a small container as well. I guess it is better than slime. He was super excited. Within half an hour of him arriving home, another parent from a different Gan that did the same activity said that their kid's hair was falling out. We had our doubts about the connection but decided the right thing to do was to rinse it out right away.

When Shlomo finished his haircut, he asked the barber for hair gel. Our barber doesn't believe in hair gel. However, he does use mousse.  He put mouse in Shlomo's hair and he put about a quarter of a cup of  mousse into a plastic cup to take home. After my haircut Shlomo insisted that the barber put some in my hair as well.

I really needed the haircut, so I am happy. Shlomo was really happy with mousse.

Taking a Bed for a Walk

When Hoodie started climbing out of her crib, we had no choice but to immediately move her into her own bed. The problem was that she shares a room with Shlomo and there was not enough room for two beds in the room. We temporarily set up the trundle from under Shlomo's bed, as her bed until the move.

There have been a number of times where we have been 2nd in line to obtaining a bed frame. We finally managed to find one with our names first on the list. The problem was it had been left outside and we had a very small window to in order to pick up before it was passed on to the next in line. 

We immediately drove the 240m to pick up the bed frame. Once it was in our possession the question became how to get it home. It would not fit in our van. Should we take it apart and risk having problems with the reassembly or should we walk it the 160m home.  What would a typical Israeli do?

There was a guy standing at the corner next to a big truck. So we asked him if there was room in his truck to move the bed. He said that it was full but he needed to call his boss. He wandered off, as we continued to discuss our options.

He came back and said that his boss had given him the approval to carry the bed to our place. He picked up the bed, put it on his back and asked where he was going.  He only accepted help, when he reached our building and some complicated maneuvering was required to get it around the stairwell.

When we suggested paying for his help, he was upset because he didn't want to have the mitzvah taken away from him.  He did accept the small bottle of water that we keep by the door for delivery people who have to schlep stuff up the flight of stairs to our apartment.

We are all grateful for his help, especially Hoodie.

Tish B'Av - How Could it Be

I just finished reading Eicha. I initially joined eicha reading with my shul via Zoom. Our shul reads from a claf. The feed died out during the third perek. I said the rest on my own.

Artscroll translates the word as 'Alas' but what does it really mean. The most meaningful answer I have heard was that it asks the question 'How could it be?'  How did we get to this point. Eicha are the words, I said over and over again as I cried myself to sleep the night my Gabi died.

Here I am again, the word Eicha has an extra sharpness to it this year. Our whole world has been turned upside down. We spent months in lockdown, waiting for the danger to pass over us, hoping and praying would leave us unharmed. I sat and watch other countries around the world that chose to ignore the danger, as they suffered the consequences of their actions. There was a certain level of unity in our nation as we all adjusted to life during a very upside down time. And it came to pass that the danger was going away and we could begin to return to the world we once knew.

The Government promised to move slowly to make sure that the coast was clear. Something went wrong. Our unity was broken. All of a sudden the Government said lets start allowing A, B and C and see what happens. People got angry. People protested. How could A be allowed and E not allowed. So things started moving faster and faster. Suddenly most things were open. People were being somewhat respectful of the rules but more than not they weren't. The danger was still going away.  How could everything else be open but not the schools. So they opened the schools and the 2nd wave began. As predicted the 2nd wave is much worse than the first one.

The Book of Abraham by Marek Halter was published in 1986. It is the story of a family of scribes who pass on their family history from generation to generation. The story begins with the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash and the struggle of a world turned upside down. What was it like living in the shock of the Beit HaMikdash being overturned. Eicha.  What do we do now?  Where do we go?

In the mishna Nazir, we are confronted with a very sad case. A bunch of people took the oath of Nazir on a temporary basis. They go to Yerushalyim to bring the sacrifices that allow them to finish their Nazir cycle. They arrive, only to discover that the Beit HaMikdash is gone. In some scenarios they may be able to have their Nazir status nullified. In others they are left in a status of nazir for their entire life.  All because they could never have contemplated such a terrible tragedy could prevent them from completing the Nazir process.

In the year 2020, the world is upside down. Eicha. How did this happen?  More importantly, how do we go forward?

In the passed month or two I have allowed frustration to periodically allow my morale to drop. I am frustrated with those who are constantly downplaying what seems so clear to me. There is a threat and we need to take appropriate steps to keep not only ourselves, but everyone else safe. I am frustrated with people who are being careless about following rules designed to protect our health and safety. I am tired of the conspiracy theories about how the threat is just a hoax.

There is one thing I have learned from those times that the words Eicha has cried out as a whole in my heart. After we are finished with the pain and the tears, there is one question we must ask. Where do we go from here?  How do we heal?  What is next?


Eicha gives us the answer.


 הֲשִׁיבֵנוּ יְהוָה אֵלֶיךָ וְנָשׁוּבָה, חַדֵּשׁ יָמֵינוּ כְּקֶדֶם.

Bring us back to You Hashem and we shall return, renew our days as of old.


No matter how bad things get. We can make them better.  We can guide our world to a time when everything will be normal again, even if that normal is not what we thought the plan was going to be.

Bezeq and the 10 Spies

In this week's parsha (those outside of Israel will need to wait until next week), the Jewish people are on the cusp of fulfilling the purpose of leaving Egypt. Before taking on the enormous task of settling in the land of Israel, the Jewish people decided it was important to take a pilot trip. Not that I know from first hand experience, but a pilot trip can be an important component of putting the pieces in place for a successful aliyah. As we learn in the parsha, it is possible to get lost in the logistical details and forget the whole reason for the trip in the first place. For the generation in the midbar (desert), it meant 'Living the Dream' would be left for the next generation.

Buying and moving into a new home presents many challenges and obstacles. Throughout the process I was amazed over and over again at the hashgacha pratis involved and how  many of our challenges we were able overcome. Some of those challenges were pretty absurd.

After a long period of calm, in the weeks leading up to the move my anxiety levels reached a point that if they were any higher they would have spun out of control, which has not happened in a long time. The level and frequency of panic attacks were also something that hadn't faced in a very long time. There were some challenges with the move that could have easily pushed me over the edge.

Peri and I had been contemplating if we should change keep our ADSL provider or if we should switch to cable internet. In the end we decided to take the pressure of switching providers would be too much for me before the move. We signed up for the 100 mbps package, not knowing what speed we would actually get and reevaluate when we settled.

They day before the move the tech comes to the apartment and discovers there are no ADSL lines. He said that we would need to hire someone privately. Our contractor said that it would cost 3000 NIS to pull the line and there was no guarantee of what kind of speed we would get. We called the cable company that the previous occupants had used. They had a reputation of offering a good product with lousy customer service.

At first they said that our address didn't exist.  Our apartment has 2 different addresses. The main one for the front of the building and one for the back off the building that is off an alley. They were able to use the second address and we signed up for the 200 mbps package. Customer service was excellent. Speed tests since installation have come in at the 170 - 190 range.  The downside was we had to go another few days without internet. My perspective on the whole episode was that, we were being forced to make the decision that we should have made in the first place. I was calm the whole time.

Earlier this week our A/C conked out on us. We were very nervous as that can turn into a very expensive repair. While trying to troubleshoot, I discovered the really hard to reach filter was in urgent need of replacing. We ended up calling the tech who installed the system, whose day job happens to be an engineer on the Rafael project. It turned out to be a burned out wire, which is a very minor repair and something that can happen with any system. The benefits of having the tech explain the in and outs of the system were incredibly valuable. He also plans on taking an idea that Peri shared and using it on the Rafael project. I am happy that the wire burned out because the knowledge and experience from the visit will allow us to make our home better.





It is not hard to look out into the world and be afraid of what we see around us. With this new home, I am doing a better job of seeing passed that. Perhaps on some level, I have internalized the lesson that the 10 spies missed.

Disclaimer not Included

I recently saw a story about a couple from Australia that met on Tinder. Due to the lockdown they had nowhere to go for a date. So he went to her house. They hit things off and kissed. That caused her to end up in a hospital due to a severe peanut allergy. The the author was trying to make the point that instead of bolting he stayed by her side at the hospital. I guess feelgood stories are hard to find these days.

The comment section read the story in a very different way. It was filled with condemnations for breaking social distancing rules during a pandemic along with other moral judgements. There was also a strong response to the criticism.  Over and over the comments were being refuted by pointing out  that Australia was at a different stage of the virus and the rules were different. Getting together in small groups was already permitted in most parts of Australia.

Around the same time, someone I know posted about how they feel pressured to put a disclaimer on every post they write. They felt that they could not share their own thoughts and feelings without having to acknowledge and validate that others have their own struggles and challenges.

These ideas made me stop and think about my own life, especially during the time that living in the wake of personal tragedy was consuming every piece of my being. Relationships were torpedoed because people who genuinely cared couldn't get the disclaimer quite right. At the same time sensitivity is important. Taking time to privately acknowledge others are struggling can be incredibly powerful and meaningful. What lengths should one go to be sensitive by openly acknowledging that others are suffering.  More importantly, why is it so important to me at this moment in time?

A common challenge of dealing with trauma is recognizing that you are allowed to be happy. How many times have I avoided the therapeutic process of writing or sharing a thought or a milestone in my life because I was worried that doing so would cause someone to be not happy with/for me. 

The rest of this post is about positive, happy thing going on in my life right now. If that is going to cause you to be upset or want to criticize me, now is the time to find something else to read.

Living with the Corona Virus restrictions has been a challenge. In the big picture it has not turned into a negative experience for me.

I live in a country that took a proactive role in keeping the virus contained. As such most things are open or about to be open, as the number of active cases continues to decline. Shlomo and Channah went back to school on Tuesday. Shlomo's ganenet was very impressed with how much academic growth he had achieved during the break.  Aside from a few schools in the centre of the country the transition to kids in school has gone fairly smoothly.

Peri and I both have secure jobs. We were not able to apply for any relief money because we didn't have any loss of income. We are also used to working from home. Spending more time with the kids, did take extra work. We made the most of the extra time with our kids and enjoyed the experience. The bond between Shlomo and Hoodie grew by leaps and bounds.

As the restrictions were first coming in place,I did struggle with my mental health. Once I got over that hurdle, I went through a period of a number of weeks that was the most mentally stable and calm period, ever since I took the step to fight my depression and PTSD. I even had one therapy session cut short because I didn't have anything to talk about. I must admit, I did find therapy by phone to be less effective than regular therapy.

Our building has been having a minyan most of the time, since shuls were limited to 100 people, the Shabbat after Purim. On and off, as the rules changed I did struggle from an ethical and safety standpoint, my relationship with the minyan. Having a minyan that I could participate in, from the safety of my balcony has done a lot of spiritual good for me. On Friday nights, davening is too late for the kids, so we make early (plag) Shabbat. We leave the door open, just enough so that we can hear the melodies of Kabbalat Shabbat fill our Shabbat meal. I join the minyan near the end, in order to count sefira and repeat Kriyat Shema with a Barchu included.

Of course the most exciting news is our new apartment. Our tenants move out on Sunday. We have time to make some minor renovations before we move in, later the following week. I am incredibly grateful with the hashgacha pratis that we have experienced with the purchase.

The dream was to move into the apartment before Pesach. However, the sellers needed an extra 2 months, due to delays with their purchase. After intense negotiations, we begrudgingly agreed to allow them to rent our apartment for 2 months. On the closing date, we were already in full lockdown. We couldn't even see the apartment to do the closing inspection. The rental arrangement lasted just long enough for us to get through the crisis. We have had enough time, with stores open to buy the items we need before moving in and complete the renovations and moving without being delayed by Government restrictions.

We also had incredibly good timing in dealing with the mortgage. We were able to lock in when rates were at their lowest before they started to rise again.

The next two weeks are super exciting. I am fulfilling a dream that  I never dreamed would ever be possible until it was. I am looking forward to being happy as we build a home that is ours.

Lag B'Omer A Tale of Two Years

For many, Lag B'Omer is very different from what they are used to. Bonfires are banned throughout the country. The only exception are the 3 bonfires at Meron that have been authorized by the Government. As far as I have seen the going rate to spend 10 minutes flying over the bonfires are between 499 NIS and $1400 US.

Lag B'Omer is traditionally a school vacation day. I have yet to find a person who has been able to explain why. The head of the teachers union has been adamant that the teachers were not going to give up any vacation days this year, outside the 9 they sacrificed when Pesach vacation started 9 days early. We received a message from the City of Haifa this afternoon. In order to keep the Ganim open tomorrow, they will be operating with 2 sayats (assistants) and no ganenet. Channah has the day off from school.

When I was a kid, I was told that in Israel on Lag B'Omer kids went into the forests to play with bows and arrows. I have no idea where this idea originated but Channah was upset at the suggestion that it was something that was ever done.

I stepped out onto my mirpeset to daven mincha and was disappointed to be greeted with the harsh smell of smoke of Lag B'omer. Apparently the police have been out in full force to enforce the ban and to stop BBQ from being used in place of bonfires. Someone in our community was visited by the police this evening. Their kids had taken the grill off of their BBQ. As they were cooking marshmallows and hot dogs, the police were satisfied it was not a makeshift bonfire and went on their way.

While my mind is focused on the hear and now, I find my brain wondering back to the same time last year. Last year, on Erev Lag B'Omer afternoon, my flight landed in Toronto. I spent a little bit of time answering my drivers questions about Israel and the Peace Process. After a while, the conversation died out and the taxi driver turned on the radio. The news was filled with stories of someone being hit by a car and a school evacuation due to a bomb threat that was found in a suitcase with a note claiming there were more suitcases with bombs inside. I couldn't help but think about how people think Israel is dangerous and how could anyone with that attitude live in such a violent city.

I finally arrived at my Aunt's house around an hour before mincha. My Uncle had tasked me with two requests for his death. He wanted me to take care of davening and say kaddish for the year.  Instead of being home, making sure all windows and doors were sealed tight, I was the shaliach tzibur and saying kaddish. A good part of that trip was making sure I was at shul to say kaddish along side my father. It caused some interesting moments, especially since they liked treating me like I did have a chiuv, even when I didn't. The convenient exception being Rosh Chodesh, when they had me daven because I didn't have a chiuv.

In the end my parents stepped in to protect my mental health and rescinded their permission, allowing me to say kaddish. I had someone who my Uncle would have approved of make sure it was taken care of. I would never have believed that a pandemic could wipe out plans for something so simple.

Yesterday, was his Yahrziet. My cousin did a great job of orchestrating a Zoom get together of friends and family, who have felt the loss of my Uncle. It wasn't easy, especially with the number of people having their first introduction to the technology. Hoodie got so excited when she realized my parents were on the screen. She kept jumping up and down and yelling 'Aidy and Mom'  She had her mind blown when my parents Facetimed right afterwards. Today she was still going around telling us that 'Bubbie, Zaidy omputer.' Shlomo kept picking out people he knew from our recent trip to Toronto along with the Israeli cousins. He also became obsessed with 'Rabbi Joe', who he must have asked about 60 times, who he was. I think it was the beard. It was also a chance to 'introduce cousins' that Channah doesn't necessarily know but are some of the people that come to mind if I have to describe who is 'My Family.'

Aside from running the get together well, my cousin spoke well about her father. She helped bring up a lot of memories, that I just couldn't bring myself to share in a coherent fashion. I have found myself thinking about our walks to shul, his career advice, Pesach seders, helping put up the succah every year, forcing  my cousin and I to learn to read benching, planting tomatoes, playing chess, a younger Channah refusing to talk to him in Hebrew because of the accent, finding Free Torah High. If you beat him playing a game, you knew you beat him and it wasn't because he let you win. No matter what I did, I knew I was going to be challenged. In hind sight he wasn't always right and I didn't always listen. He cared and would always push you to your limits. He always expected everyone around him to strive for their best. He also wasn't afraid to share, if he made a mistake.

There is one memory that my cousin jogged up that has given me something to contemplate. She said he went to Yeshiva and then he went to a kibbutz. He never told me he went to Yeshiva. He used to love telling me about the kibbutz. When he described what it was like milking a cow, it was as if he had transported himself back to that place and time.

I now own a home in Israel. In a few weeks we will be moving. I can't help but to think that it would be something that would make him proud and connects us to many occasions we spent together.

May all those who feel his loss, find strength and comfort. May his Neshama have an Aliyah.

Past, Present, Future

Today, I found myself thinking about Yom HaZicharon in 2011 and 2012. In 2011, we accidentally went to the Yom HaZicharon ceremony at the Kotel. In 2012, we passed Har Hertzl as 11:00 was approaching on our way home from a fertility appointment. We could see the people swarming for their annual day of communal grief. In 2013, Channah was living in her own world of grief, when a teacher pulled her away from the school tekes to try to protect her from the raw emotions that can come out on this day.

For me, I usually acknowledge Yom HaZicharon within the privacy of my family, as I listen and feel the blast of the siren. Having had the experience of having to head to safety upon hearing that sound, brings a different feeling from that sound. This year is not like other years. I finished davening maariv from my mirpeset shortly before the siren. An Israeli flag that was raised before mincha was lowered to half staff, as someone played 'taps' on their cell phone. A few minutes of pause and then the blast from the siren. A few families had come outside for this experience. The only movement was a small child who had been running around, walking back to his family to join in the moment of commemoration.

This year is not like other years. For the first time ever, all the military cemeteries are locked.  At one point the bereaved families, threatened to storm the cemeteries for 11:00 tomorrow.  I hope this will not happen and that families have taken the opportunity to visit their loved ones over the past few days. There are organizations that have also offered to set up virtual visits to graves tomorrow.

The threat of storming a cemetery. Completely irrational and dangerous but in some way captures the feelings, that have been felt across the country. A week ago from Sunday, the first steps of easing the lock down went into effect. All of a sudden, people were complaining if X has been released why can't Y. Then on Tuesday Ikea opened. Vendors from Mahane Yehuda, threatened that if Ikea could open, they would open with or without permission. They followed through with their threat yesterday, clashing with police. Big chain stores kept their doors closed, even with permission to open. They threatened that they deserved equally compensation to small businesses. Of course once all the stores are open, how can we keep schools closed. All of a sudden, what was promised to be a slow transition back to restarting life as 'normal' has been moving really fast. Shlomo's Gan could be open as soon as Sunday.

Yesterday was a classic example of why it is hard to have faith in those playing with our lives. The Health Ministry proposed that the limit of people going out for exercise to be unlimited, instead to the 500m current limit. As soon as the decision was published after approval, the Health Ministry stepped in to have the decision reversed. They wanted unlimited exercise distance for professional athletes only. In the end the 500m rule is being scrapped on Thursday.  The regulations confining us to 100m from our home, cannot be far behind.

There are two family members in our home that are considered high risk. I have been comforted by the results we have started to see for keeping the virus contained. I am worried about the size of the 2nd wave of infections that is bound to come. The fact the country is starting to function again, makes it easier to prepare for our move in 5 weeks. At the same time I am concerned for the health and well being of my family.  Tonight and tomorrow we remember the sacrifice those have made to keep us safe in our homeland. That is followed by a celebration (although muted this year) of what we have achieved. I pray that the threat passes soon and we can go back to building on the accomplishments of this great country.

To Minyan or not to Minyan: Lockdown Edition

It all started when the Government announced that public gatherings were to be limited to 100 people. In order to take to the pressure off of the shuls, our building was able to borrow a sefer torah. An Aaron Kodesh was even built to store the sefer torah. Shabbat davening took place in the lobby of our building. It was convenient but I did miss going to shul.

The minyan continued during the week. The social distancing protocols were put in place and those davening kept their 2m distance. There were 3 minyanim in the morning, hashkama, regular, youth in order to keep the numbers down. As I walked Bailey through the 6am minyan, I realized that it was not a safe place for me to be. I have 2 high risk members in my household and keeping us all safe along with everyone around is our top priority. I also stopped taking Bailey for his morning walk, to avoid being in close proximity to others due to a minyan.

That week more lock down rules were brought into effect, limiting public gatherings to 10 people. My former shul, immediately announced that they were closing. The minyan continued. The organizers showed a psak of how minyan could have up to 19 people without violating the 10 person rule. As soon as there were 20 people, the minyan would split.

That Thursday, more restrictions were announced. I was left with the understanding that private minyanim were no longer being permitted in Israel. This impression was also supported by friends who live in different cities in North America, where their local Rabbanim had said as much. In a discussion of the rules on Facebook, two of my friends got into an argument. My friend in chul was saying kaddish for a number of people. He was frustrated about having the ability to say kaddish taken away and how it was becoming almost impossible to find a private minyan, even when every effort to be careful with social distancing was being done. My friend in Israel, basically said that davening in a minyan was assur and he should just get over it.  I know my friend in chul was very hurt by the tone of the conversation.

On Friday night I was sitting at my dining room table, davening Kabbalat Shabbat, while contemplating the fight between my friends. Suddenly, I noticed beautiful singing coming from outside. I could here davening from 3 separate minyanim. The one in our lobby, the overflow minyan outside our building and the minyan on the other side of the parking lot. Our building faces a building with nice courtyard in between.  The next buildings on the other side of the parking lot are mostly a duplicate design. I was drawn out to my mirpeset by the singing. Even though I felt the minyan should not take place, I joined in anyways. I figured, that the minyan existed whether I was there or not and from my mirpeset, I couldn't put anyone else at risk. Davening during the day, was inside, so I davened on my own.

After Shabbat, my Facebook feed was filled with people talking about the beautiful davening from Friday night in their communities. Some had balcony minyans, some had Zoom Kabbalat Shabbat davening before Shabbat started. I found the updated ministry guidelines. It turned out that the minyanim from our building was in compliance with competent Rabbanim and the Health Ministry.

During the week, one of our neighbours complained that they were tired of the fact the entrance to their home has become a full functioning shul. The decision was made to start davening outside. The next day, indoor minyanim were banned as part of the lockdown. This presented me with a tough delemma. Should I daven with the minyan from my mirpeset? There were a few factors that I took into consideration: the minyan would happen with or without me, it was in compliance with the Ministry of Health, it was following a valid halachic opinion, a senior doctor from a local hospital was part of the minyan, the doctors boys were running the youth minyan. I decided to join. It was a positive experience for me and it added some structure into the day. On Friday night, we had too many people. The minyan broke into 2 minyanim as required. On Shabbat it was nice to have Shlomo come out and daven with me, while remaining safe in the confines of our home. Wipes were on hand to deal with issues of contact during Torah reading.

Last week, public gatherings were reduced to a maximum of 2 people. There was some enthusiasm as they tried to arrange a proper balcony only minyan. In the end the logistics were too difficult to overcome. That afternoon,the minyan continued in a section of the parking lot with a mostly obstructed view,  parking spots marking off social distancing.  Technically, I could have joined, as I could see them from my kitchen window. I didn't want to have anything to do with them. The minyan lasted one more day before being disbanded.


On Friday, Shlomo got excited as people were gathering to daven mincha. As I looked out my window, I noticed that they had a proper balcony minyan. As we davened people started to gather downstairs. We ended up with enough people for their own minyan downstairs. I decided to not let the walk up crowd ruin a beautiful davening.

There was promise that the next day Torah reading would be done in an appropriate manner. Something about people going up and down.

Shlomo and I were outside when we got to Torah reading. They brought out a sefardi sefer torah. It made sense as this new minyan was being run by Moroccans. As it is read standing up, I thought it would also work better for social distancing. During the first aliyah the person had his tallis wrapped carefully around his face. 2nd and 3rd aliyah had people putting in a half hearted effort to cover their face. After that, all precautions were out the window and I had an anxiety attack. Once I regained control, I finished up davening on my own and came inside. I decided that it was a pretend balcony minyan, with way too many people on the ground.

That minyan continued.  This morning at Shacharit they only had one person on the balcony. The Vaad Bayit from our building sent a warning to our two buildings that they were breaking the law and endangering everyone's health. Should it happen again, the police will be called. This afternoon  Morrocan minyan moved to the park across the street.

I have consulted with a Rabbi on how I should have acted as the rules keep changing. I keep running into new situations that I did not anticipate. Living in lockdown is hard. I never would have guessed that the biggest moral/ethical challenges would be davening in the most convenient minyan I have ever had in my entire life.