Wednesday, August 13, 2008

This is it

Well the parties are all over, the apartment has been emptied and the bags have been packed. This is really it.

Dreams for me have never come easy. Whether my dreams were big or small I always had to work for them. Cry for them. My Channah, the love of my life, the fulfillment of my most sacred dreams came with so much agamas nefesh, so much pain and suffering both mental and physical. But that was not the case. My tears were obviously being added to an "account" and when I had enoguh in there I got my "prize". My Channah is a product of years of tears and tefillot that I thought were ignored, only to have them answered in a way that totally usrpassed anytihng I could have ever hoped for.

I hope this is the same. I hope that the grief and the tears that come with saying good-bye to people I love is going into my "account" and saving up for a new stage in my life filled with the simcha and stability I have not yet been able to find.

I know moving to Israel is not going to solve all my problems. Far from it! I am an antisocial societal outcast who has trouble making friends... somehow I think a language and culture barrier is not goign ot make that a whole lot better. On the other hand, it will give me something I could not have here. The ability to give my daughter the world that I can only watch from the outside here.

If that works. If I can give her more there than I can immagine here, then it is worth every tear, every dollar and every sleepless night.

I know I am just rambling now. I guess that is what happens on the night before the most life-altering day of my existance. I am scared and tired and worried. I am already lonely and missing my family and I am still spending the night in their house!

If you were expecting some sort of conclusion, well, forget it.

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